“Damn it, Lily. I’m sorry. I’m not right in the head right now … I …”
“It’s okay. She wouldn’t want?—”
The car cuts sharply, and Noah whips it over to the side of the road near a patch of trees that disappears around a dirt road. The tires skid along the shoulder, kicking gravel as the car jerks to a stop. My body lurches forward. Not hard, but enough to be caught by the seat belt.
Noah’s chest rises and falls rapidly as he stares unblinking straight ahead. He doesn’t say anything, and I’m not sure I should. Instead, the tick of the engine in time with the rain fills the void.
My hands twist in my lap, like they might anchor me.
“It’s not okay,” he says with an eerie calm.
That sick, sour taste hits the back of my tongue, and I’m suddenly nauseous.
Slowly, I turn to him, and he adjusts his grip on the steering wheel, then tightens it, knuckles pale. With a sigh, he shifts in the seat, rolling his shoulder. Not angry—resigned. Sad.
My fears from earlier creep in as the silence stretches between us.
“It’s not okay,” he finally says again. “It’s not okay that I’ve fallen so incredibly hard for you, but?—”
And there it is.
He raps his knuckles along the stitched leather of the wheel. “I was supposed to be there. I gave myself that charge. That when the time came, I’d be there for her.” He grits his teeth. “Well, I wasn’t. I failed her and now I’m terrified I’m going to fail you.”
“Fail me? Noah, you’re like the poster boy for a law abiding, rule following model citizen who puts everyone ahead of himself.”
He shakes his head. “You don’t know … I’m not. I’ve already broken so many of my rules—it feels like I’m just going to break another.”
At this point, I’m confused. I allow my brow to furrow. What rules is he talking about?
“What?”
His voice cuts through, low and strained. “I’ve done things I swore off, things I said I’d never do, and it just so happens you’re the common denominator. The very first time I met you I didn’t write you a citation for vaping in the park. Even though I wanted tosobad, especially with my mother on my mind that day. I moved you from the trail when you had that accident, then followed you to the hospital—not against the rules, but normally I would’ve waited for a Medevac, and perhaps followed up a few days later, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t sit there with you pale and freezing and not carry you to safety. I couldn’t not see you in the hospital.
“Then there’s that damn diner food. I don’t eat that. Protein, veggies, healthy fats—I balanced those diligently. Now, I eat greasy fries and sandwiches once or twice a week!”
I swallow the thickness in my throat. I didn’t make him do those things. Is he blaming me? But he seems like he has to get this out, so I bite my tongue.
He throws his hands up and they land on his thighs with aSLAP.“Max even broke protocol for you. He’s supposed to be a well-trained weapon, and the boy turns to putty in your hands.”
Max shifts in the back as Noah’s voice grows louder, continuing, “I respect law enforcement. Iamlaw enforcement, but I can’t tell you how many days after the incident on the sidewalk with Paul I had to talk myself out of going to throttle him, and he’s my friend!
“Ever since I was young, while I watched my mom struggle, I told myself I’d follow the rules. Keep my head down, work hard, protect and serve. Then you walk into my life—this life force with an all-consuming presence despite you trying to run away from me that first day we met. I had to bend the rules for you, to know you, and in some twisted, messed up way, now I feel as though all my control is slipping even further.”
Frustration claws at me like a vise. “So, I screwed you over? Messed up your perfect little Pinebrook life? Everything was wonderful for you before I came into your life.”
Don’t do this. Not now. Not onthisday. It’s not about you.
“No, Lily. That’s not what I’m saying.” He wipes his forehead.
“Well, it sure sounds like it.” I pull my seat belt away from my chest and let it snap back against me.
Six months, Lily. No connections. Why the hell did you deviate from that?
“Hell. I feel lost, Lil. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It feels heavy. My mom’s the only family I have. She’s all I’ve known. And she loved you.” A tear gathers in the corner of his eye, and they prickle behind mine as well. “I’m angry and sad, but also high on you—I can’t reconcile my emotions right now. I don’t want to say anything or do anything that’s going to jeopardize us, but I don’t feel worthy of you right now.”
More tears sting my eyes. He needs time. Can I really blame him for all this emotion bubbling to the surface the day his mother was buried? No. What kind of a person would?
Still … his words feel like a scratchy callous scraping down my back, and though I know I need to be gentle with him, to shoulder some of this burden, I’m feeling like one myself. I don’t want to stay here, show up with all my issues and shackle him to some chaotic life he never wanted.
