I told you the worst place for me was to be in my head, but you left me there. Continuously. Not pushing to talk or trying to understand. I know you suck with emotions and all, but your happy, smiley wife was depressed near the end, and you played on your phone, ignoring the situation.
That is another thing. You were addicted to your phone. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’m on mine, too, a lot since I run a large business, but I put it down when we did things together. When we watched movies. You couldn’t even go one whole movie without being on that game. Talking to all of those people. I am willing to bet you talked to them more than you talked to me. That hurt.
I wanted to talk with you. I talked so much! But you didn’t care to talk to me.
Hell, you ignored me most of the time. It was like you didn’t care if I was there. I was just a ghost that helped take care of the household. I needed to be loved, cherished, and wanted.
I had thoughts some nights. Not good ones.
I would never kill myself, but I have wondered, if I did something like that, how long would it take you to notice? Because you didn’t notice me. You didn’t see me anymore. Who I was, the good in me.
We were not okay. We were unhealthy.
Ignoring each other unless you wanted something sexual.
You never wanted to experience life with me, you hated my art, you didn’t like to be around my family. My family was so important to me, and you slowly isolated me from them after we got married. You stripped me of everything that I was, and I allowed it. I let you make me into this nothing. This person who doesn’t even recognize herself in the mirror. This woman who has been on autopilot, just barely surviving life.
But no more.
I was so angry and wanted to send this letter to the bastard even though I wasn’t supposed to. But, instead of doing that, I felt this overwhelming need inside me to do the opposite. Logan had said I wasn’t ready, but I couldn’t explain the desire to cut this final cord between Wallace and me. There was nothing I wanted more than to be rid of him and this pain. I was ready. I wanted this so much. No … not wanted. Needed. I needed to end this once and for all. Seeing Wallace to get my closure wouldn’t be enough. I had to let him go from my mind. From my soul.
I closed my eyes once more, seeing him, that impatient tap of his foot as he waited for me to say what I had to say. But, this time, instead of feeling small, I smiled at him.
So much pain, so many tears.
Once it was truly over, I just moved on. I’d focus on business, and I’d try to forget about the whole thing. But some wounds were deep, and no matter how much you covered them up, they still hurt.
I’d gone years without dealing with the hurt, and now, it’d become apparent that I couldn’t run anymore. I had to face the demon and slay it in ways that would make Buffy proud.
Wallace, I don’t regret our time. I can’t regret anything in my life because it’s made me into the woman I am today. But I need to let the villain of you go. I need to move past this hate and fear I have for you.
I felt my eyes start to sting with the threat of tears.
Tears were okay. Tears were good. Like the pain inside me was being released and rolling down my cheeks.
I forgive you, Wallace. And I forgive myself.
I’m going to walk away from this moment and feel a lightness in my chest. I will no longer let you take up space inside me where you don’t belong anymore. I need to find myself and love myself again. I can’t do that with hatred in my heart for you. So, I’m letting you go.
Good-bye, Wallace, and I hope you find peace.
I meant it, and now, I had faith in myself that I would be free. The scars would remain; there was nothing I could do about that. But I’d survived the pain, and now, I wore those scars proudly.
