‘Your dissuading didn’t work.’
Jules hadn’t meant to sound snappy, but it came out that way.
‘You know Mum once she’s got an idea in her head. How are you?’
‘Okay. Better than I was. Still up and down. You?’
Phoebe made a muffled sound at the end of the phone.
‘Phoebes? Are you crying?’
Jules couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard her sister cry. Was it at Dad’s funeral when they’d both had to virtually carry Beulah down the aisle of the church as her knees sagged beneath her elegant crepe de chine black dress? Since then, if Phoebe had cried, she’d kept it to herself.
‘Sorry. Stupid. My period’s started. A bit over-emotional. We’re trying for a baby, and every month is an utter nightmare.’
‘Oh, Phoebe. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.’
‘Really? I’m amazed Mum hasn’t over-shared with you.’
‘She hasn’t. I promise. How long have you been trying?’
‘Eighteen months. A very long eighteen months. I always thought I’d conceive really easily. Took it for granted.’
‘Perhaps you ought to get checked out.’
‘Been there. Done that. Both of us. Told everything is fine. Except it’s not.’
‘How’s Giles?’
‘Stoically bearing the brunt of my moods.’
‘You’re solid, you two, though.’
‘I hope so. You never know until you’re put under real pressure, do you?’
‘Come off it, Giles is perfect for you. I knew it as soon as I met him.’
‘Maybe,’ Phoebe said, softly sobbing. ‘Maybe if I can’t give him a baby, I’m not perfect for him.’
‘You mustn’t think like that. Lots of people have difficulties and end up with families of their own. I see it all the time at work. Don’t give up hope. Have you thought about IVF?’
‘I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment, and I know people who’ve been through it and ended up splitting because of the strain. Sometimes I think Giles would be okay if we didn’t have children. He’s talked about getting a dog and he’s bought a new circular saw ready to build a chicken run. He’s never particularly wanted animals before.’
‘Well, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea,’ Jules said, gently. ‘Take your mind off…’
‘Nothing,’ Phoebe said, vehemently, ‘nothing will take my mind off it. It’s there when I wake up, it’s there when I go to sleep. It’s like this massive black hole in my life, and do you know how guilty that makes me feel? I have this wonderful husband and a great job and a nice house and great friends and amazing holidays and I shouldn’t complain, but it’s a need, Jules, a yearning, and I can’t ignore it.’
She paused to blow her nose.
‘You’ve never felt like that, have you?’
‘No.’
‘I try to imagine you being with me when I give birth, but I’m just not good at visualising and I’m scared that means it will never happen.’
‘It doesn’t mean that at all,’ Jules reassured. ‘You’ll work it out, Phoebes. Together. Like you always do. You’re a team, you and Giles.’
‘Thanks. I’m really sorry about Gavin.’
