Melissa
It wasn’t a drive of shame, but it was embarrassing all the same.
Bless Hailey, she didn’t seem the least bit judgmental about me coming home in the morning in the same clothes I’d gone out in. In fact, she seemed excited. She really was desperate for good news, even if it was obvious the good news wasn’t really good news.
I pushed past her, explaining I needed a good shower before I said or did anything. She gave me space and didn’t bother to interrupt as I stayed in that shower for what seemed like a damn hour. I didn’t have enough space. I couldn’t possibly have enough space to deal with everything. I was a hot mess, always had been and always would be.
And so was Corey. Jesus.No, he’s not. He was right to act as he did. You put him in this spot, Melissa. You forced his hand.
And yet, he’s only giving one shot? What does it say about your chances if he’s forcing you into such a spot?
The questions didn’t get any easier to answer in the isolation of the shower. If anything, they just multiplied until they couldn’t be kept track of, couldn’t be counted. It was too much for me to handle, but it was too little for me to try and lay on anyone else.
I changed into a new set of clothes and sat on the couch, mindlessly searching for something, anything, on Netflix or Hulu; I literally didn’t care what. I found a random episode of “Breaking Bad,” but barely a couple seconds into it, Hailey came in, pressed pause, and sat by me.
“What’s going on?” she said. “I thought you’d be happy, but…you don’t seem to be.”
“It’s fine.”
“Melissa, please,” she said. “I know you have trouble opening up to Corey. But can you open up to me?”
Damnit. She was right. Like usual, she was fucking right. She may have been the younger of the two of us, but she always seemed to have her shit together better than I did. I didn’t know why that was, but I knew I was kind of jealous of it.
“I just can’t fucking believe Corey,” I said, deciding to just let it all rip out at once—all of it. “We had a great time last night. Yes, we had sex. It was great. But this morning, I woke up and didn’t feel so great. Not that I thought it was bad, I didn’t go that far, but I would have loved to have a talk about it. I told Corey I just needed some space, and all of a sudden, he got all, ‘it’s all or nothing’ on me. Like he said I needed to do it or that would be it. What the fuck is that? Doesn’t he know these kinds of things take time? Why the fuck would he do that?”
I groaned loudly. It was unfair to Hailey to have to deal with crazy Melissa, but shehadasked for it.
“It’s frustrating, I know,” Hailey said. “I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. I just…I don’t know. It seems so hard that he’s just being so strict about it. Like this is your one chance, and that’s it. Whatever happened to space?”
But even as I said those things, I knew the answer. I knew that Corey wouldn’t give me space because we’d already had years and years of experience. And even after we’d met, we’d had weeks to think about things and to process them. If that wasn’t enough space, nothing ever would be.
“If I were to empathize with him, I think I’d say he’s probably hurt and wants to avoid being hurt,” Hailey said. “But I’m on your side, Melissa. I think you just have to figure out whatyouwant.”
Her emphasis on the last “you” said it all. Mom and Dad were gone. Hailey would be focused on her own career and on Sam soon enough. I had to figure out what I and I alone wanted. What did I want?
I sighed.
I knew what I wanted. But it’s not like I ever had it.
Stability. Security. Love.
I’d never had that with my parents. If anything, the only thing stable about them was how coldly distant they could be. Harsh, but not inaccurate. Corey had tried to give me love and security, but my own weaknesses and his immaturity had made that impossible. The only person who ever really provided me those things was Hailey, and there was obviously a massive difference between what she could provide me and what someone like Corey or, at one time, my parents would have.
“You’re the only person I can trust, Hailey.”
“And I won’t ever give you a reason to betray me,” Hailey said. “I love you, sis. I’m not going to abandon you just because Sam and I are a thing.”
I knew that. I was just having a moment. A really shitty moment, but a moment, nevertheless. I drew in a deep breath.
OK. So. If Hailey couldn’t provide it to me long term for good reason, if my parents were gone…if Corey was someone I wanted to be with once we got past the drama of a sudden, abrupt decision…how? How did that happen?
“How did it happen for you?” I asked Hailey, trying to stay composed.
“What do you mean?”
“How did you look past the fact that he was a Patriot when all you knew was me telling you Corey had harassed and hurt me?” I said. “How were you able to get comfortable?”
