“How so?” Hannah said, sitting up.
I sighed. Most of the Black Reapers MC knew this story, for it had occurred in our more youthful days as the Bernard Boys. Even Hannah probably knew it, though she obviously hadn’t been as involved in my life as she was now.
“Back in high school, I dated a girl named Carrie,” I said. “And I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. Up to that point, I was just an awkward, dorky kid who just wanted to go to the beach and surf after having some weed.”
“I remember how you once were,” she said with a hint of a smile.
I suppose that was as positive a sign as any. I kept going.
“Anyway, I fucking loved Carrie. Or I thought I did, at least. I suffocated her with affection and gifts and everything you can think of. I thought I was being a gentleman, but really, I was just being a pussy. I was so whipped that I would do anything for her. And Carrie asked a fucking lot, but I think that’s just because Carrie knew she could take advantage of me and did. Well, toward the end of high school, I had the bright idea of proposing to her.”
Hannah cringed. I did, too, recalling this story.
“Well, I decided to surprise her by going to her place the Friday before our graduation so that I could propose. Great idea, right? Turns out, I caught her cheating with someone that I later learned was a Bandit. Some guy who wasn’t even in our class, someone about five years older than me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was years ago, it’s fine. Anyway, I was crushed. Broken. And out of that, I decided that I couldn’t trust women. So I just turned into a party animal and a beast for the boys, fucking and fighting my way through life. I adopted this fucking wild player lifestyle and appearance because I knew that people would eat it up. Do I want to drink as much as I do? I mean, I don’t hate it, but it’s as much a performance as anything else.”
I sighed. Boy, I’d just confessed more than I ever had in one conversation.
“And you know what? The thing is…with the fucking, you feel validated. It’s like, ‘Yes, I can do it. I can sleep with these girls.’ And yet…when you finished, in that weirdly private moment right after you come but before you acknowledge the other person, I always felt like shit. Didn’t matter how well I knew the girl or how hot she was. It was always, ‘Yeah, but this isn’t as good as something real.’”
I sighed.
“And that was always the case until…I met you.”
Hannah
Until he met me.
For the first time since Garrett and I had started hanging out, I felt like I was seeing an actual human side of him. Sex was sex, and the texting and conversation ever since felt like less of a connection and more like a means to something neither of us was sure would happen.
But now…
This was real.
“And what was it about me?” I said. “What was it that made it different?”
Garrett nodded.
“At first, my attraction to you was merely taboo,” he said. “But even then, even at the time when I got your brother drunk, I think knowing you from all the way back to the teenage years was helpful. Like, you don’t just know me because I’m a player and funny. You knew me as a person who had tough times and good times.”
He coughed.
“And, I think…well, I haven’t thought this through so explicitly, and maybe I’m projecting some, but I know something of what happened with your family. Not everything. Not all of it. But enough to know what it’s like to have your world turned upside down. It’s hard for me to connect with some random girl that just has an absent parent or whatever. But I know what it’s like to feel everything is perfect, even if it’s your own fault, and have it collapse. Not that what I went through is as bad as you, but that I know what it’s like.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I can see that.”
I really could. He was right that losing my parents was something much worse than a breakup, but I understood the sentiment that he was coming from. I appreciated the pain he shared, even if he seemed strangely harder while being more vulnerable.
“If it makes you feel better, I don’t even know what it’s like to have a shit relationship, or a relationship, period,” I said. “I’ve never had one. Mason makes sure I don’t.”
Garrett chuckled.
“Why don’t you try and push past him?” he said. “I know I’ve said such a thing in much harsher terms before, but I’m just curious why not?”
I shook my head.
