And it felt so…
Unsatisfying.
We’d killed our enemy. We’d eliminated the greatest threat known to Springsville. The death of our greatest foe.
But as Lilly, in tears, wounded, still favoring her shoulder,, crawled over to her father and held his head, I could not help but wonder at what cost. I wasn’t even thinking about Lucius’ final words; though I was sure there was a truth to them, I couldn’t even think beyond the present. I was in too much pain, both physically from Lucius’ attacks and emotionally from seeing Lilly so hurt.
The problem wasn’t that we had lost so many lives. It was that more than just men were lost. Fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, cousins, friends... more than just the men killed were affected. We’d driven so hard to eradicate evil…
This was necessary, of that I was certain. But to pretend that we could now throw a parade and celebrate with shots of vodka and dance like we’d won a world war was a fallacy. There was nothing glorious about having ended a decades-long strife with a lifetime foe. There was just fallout and aftermath, and then, maybe then, a quiet peace could be found.
“We’ve done what was needed,” Butch said.
It was only now, with the madness and the fog of war lifted, that I realized that many of the Reapers who had gone to the Saints’ clubhouse had come here.
“Let’s go home.”
Slowly, people shuffled out, the only sound still present being Lilly’s sobs. I think everyone had an understanding of what was going on, or at least a respect for it. Maybe when they got back to the clubhouse, people would be celebrating, but right now, I was just exhausted.
Exhausted of all of the tragedy and violence.
Exhausted of all of the heartache.
If someone had given me a clock that could rewind us all back to the night that father died, allowing me to prevent Shannon from dying, but in turn preventing me from ever getting to know Lilly and ever growing as I had, I wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t take that opportunity.
Lane put a hand on my shoulder, looked at me, and kept walking. He, like me, was too exhausted right now to even acknowledge me beyond touch, let alone to impart some words of wisdom or hope. He looked like shit, just like me.
How we looked had nothing on how we felt.
Eventually, it was just Lilly and me. I turned around and saw Phoenix and Patriot standing with guns ready outside the house, but they were out of earshot and not looking at us, only guarding the entrance. I slowly walked over to Lilly.
“Lilly,” I said softly. “I’m—”
“Don’t.”
I stopped dead in my tracks.
“I care about you, Cole,” she said. “But my father just died. Just because he was a terrible father didn’t mean he wasn’t my father. I…”
She lost her words. Selfish as it may have seemed, I hoped for a few seconds that she would turn to me, give me a face, give me some words to carry home. But I snapped out of it. It wasn’t about me right now. It was about Lilly having space.
“Let me treat your shoulder,” I said.
I looked around the room, desperate for anything.
“Turn the corner,” she said. “There’s a panic room.”
I did as she commanded, doing my best not to cry at her pained tears. I found the room in question, found a first-aid kit, and went to work on her wound. I knew the wound would probably need medical attention, but the bandage and the tourniquet, I hoped, would give her the time she needed to grieve.
“Lilly…”
She didn’t look at me. She just leaned forward, hovering over her father.
The room was deathly silent. Only her occasional sobs punctuated the quiet. There was no life to be had in this house; only death, blood, and sadness.
And I had no choice but to leave her.
If she was to come back to me, if her words were sincere about caring about me, it would have to be up to her. I would have to just... be.
I turned, walked out of the house, and hopped on my bike, unsure if I would ever see a Sartor ever again for the rest of my life.
