“Don’t contact me again,” I said. “I like Michael, but the rest of you have harassed me and made my life hell. I thought I was helping by coming to the club last night, but because of that decision, I’ve lost a friendship, and now I’ve got you hounding my ass. I’ll get a restraining order if I have to.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Lane said with what I could only hope was false confidence.
But I didn’t say anything else. I walked out of the door, got in my car, and sped out of the parking lot, praying to God that Lane didn’t follow me.
When I was finally a safe distance away, I checked my phone. I didn’t have any messages or missed calls from Michael. While that wasn’t necessarily unexpected, after everything that had apparently happened in the last twelve hours, I needed to hear from him and know what was going on.
So, despite not knowing how he was, I called him.
Patriot
Ihad silenced my phone, but that didn’t mean I didn’t stare at Kaitlyn’s number flashing across the screen.
I could have pressed ignore at any point and ended the call. For where I had gone to and for where I found myself, that was really the only appropriate course of action. To answer a call in this setting would have been the ultimate form of disrespect.
But even if I did answer the call, that would just lead to more questions that would have created more confusion. No, I wasn’t at the clubhouse. No, I wasn’t in Springsville. No, I wasn’t even in Los Angeles.
I was way, way south of that. I was near San Diego.
I was at Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery, the final resting spot for my two best friends, the ones I had lost because of my CO’s traitorous actions.
I had thought that I was ready to face what had happened. I had thought that confession to Kaitlyn would have made things better.
Oh, it had not. It had not done so in the slightest. If anything, bringing it back up had brought back all of the ugly memories and a couple of ugly truths I had suppressed.
My true friends? They had died because of my inability to speak the truth. The people in the club were not my friends. Lane was the closest, but even he... I just didn’t have the bond with him that I did my brothers-in-arms. It was impossible. To experience what I had experienced and then pretend like it was possible to have functioning, healthy relationships again... sorry, but that just wasn’t possible.
I wasn’t sure that I wanted it to be, either. If I could have better relationships, it almost felt like I would somehow be dishonoring their memory.
Finally, the attempted phone call ended.
Double-checking to make sure that my phone was still silenced, I stuffed it into my pocket. Kaitlyn could call as much as she wanted. I’d call her back at some point, but right now, that time was not now.
I looked up and toward the two tombstones before me.
“Here lies Rick Butler.”
I couldn’t look at the death date. It would have affected me too much.
“Here likes Michael Young.”
God took the wrong Michael.Those were words that always echoed in my head whenever I saw his name. I was cowardly Michael. The world wasn’t a better place because that Michael had died. The world, in fact, was a worse place because I lived.
“You know, guys,” I said, my voice barely rising above my breath. “As much as I wished you were here, maybe it’s for the best that you aren’t here anymore. For how much of a shithole this life is?”
I shook my head. I didn’t know how to word it in a way that made it sound like I was glad that they were dead, but I could certainly say they were in a better place—a place without pain, without suffering, without betrayal.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I miss you guys a lot. I’m sorry... I’m sorry for what happened. I just...”
But there was no “I just.” There wasn’t anything I could say to forgive myself or to release myself of the burden. Nothing was going to—
“I know it’s hard.”
I froze when I heard that voice. I knew that voice. That voice... how did he know I had come here?
Slowly, I turned. I recognized the voice, but it still didn’t mean that I could bring myself to believe who was standing there. How could they have known I was there?
But when I completed my turn and saw the man who was standing there, there was little doubt who I was looking at.
