And then my military instincts kicked in.
Had this been a normal fight, one in which I didn’t have my loyalty questioned, I would have fought just enough to incapacitate Lane to the point of unconsciousness. I wouldn’t have fought to kill. But because Lane had triggered that, I turned into an animal. I turned into a ravaged, uncontrolled monster staring at not my friend, but my enemy.
My sworn enemy now.
I drove my knee into Lane’s groin. I grabbed his head and slammed him into the wall, knocking some paintings down. I swept his legs out from under him, drove him to the ground with my hand on his neck, and punched him right in the face. I mounted him.
And when I did, I saw what I had always wanted.
I didn’t see Lane’s face anymore. Instead, I saw the face of my old commanding officer, the man responsible for the deaths of my friends and the destruction of my life. I’d never gotten the chance to kill him, but now, it was as if life was giving me that chance. Life was allowing me to destroy that which had destroyed so much in my life. I drove one fist into the face.
It laughed at me.
I drove another first down hard.
The face again laughed at me.
I raised my fist for what would have been possibly a fatal blow.
But will it do any good?
Is it going to bring your friends back?
Is it going to undo the betrayal?
No.
It wasn’t.
Whatever I did to Lane here, whether I knocked him out, whether I killed him, whether I stood up, it wouldn’t change what had happened that day in Iraq. I had kept looking for a solution from the outside, but there was no solution. Some problems could not be solved, only understood.
I had to change my perspective on it, but that was impossible. I had not spoken up in the briefings leading to the mission. I had not gone into the building first. There was no way to change how my mind interpreted those events because it wasn’t like changing my mind about the quality of something. I couldn’t change my mind on a fact.
“Fuck, Lane...” I said as he held his hands weakly to his bloody face, trying to prevent me from caving in his skull.
Slowly, terrified of what I had almost let transpire, I stood up and backed a step away. I gulped, held out my hand, and waited to see how Lane would react. Frankly, I expected him to beat me up in return.
Maybe a part of me almost welcomed it.
But instead, he took it, remaining back a bit, but still using it as I helped him up.
“You’re not the problem,” I said. “I am.”
“What... do you mean?” Lane said as he spat blood on the ground.
I shook my head.
“I’m no spy,” I said. “I know the pain that that causes far too much to ever do something like that. But that doesn’t mean that I can be trusted with anything. I’m too fucked in the head right now to be trusted. Because I failed to speak up, I got my two friends killed. Now, because I speak of false truth, I might have just killed a friendship. Lane, I’m not going to hurt the club with betrayal. But right now...”
I couldn’t muster any more words. The truth was cold and unforgiving.I am a detriment to the club.
I am a detriment to any organization I join.
I headed to the door.
“Patriot!”
I stopped.
