Swallowing, I pull away from her realising how cold I am as my polo shirt sticks to my torso. I shiver. Right now, I stink of chlorine and I know I need to get in and have a shower. I don’t know what fear and adrenaline smell like, but I’m probably oozing those too. Getting a warning had been a shock, and it wasn’t something I was going to tell Damien. He’d think I was purposely sabotaging my job so that I could stay at home and smother the girls.
‘I know I smell, baby. Come on, let’s go in and see your dad and sister.’ I grip her hand like I never want to let her go.
Damien opens the door, a shocked expression on his face as he takes in the state I’m in. Eyes red and I’m shaking. ‘Has something happened?’
He leads me through to the living room. Millie and Rosie run upstairs together, stomping on the landing like baby elephants. I burst into tears and go to sit on the couch but stop myself. I don’t want to make everything stink as bad as I do. Damien dashes out into the downstairs toilet and comes back with a towel. I pull my wet polo shirt over my head and wrap the warm towel over my torso. He places another towel on the settee and I sit.
‘I thought a baby was drowning, that’s why I was late.’ I pause. ‘I was so scared something had happened to Rosie.’ My hands tremble.
He places a hand under my chin and leads my gaze to his. ‘You didn’t let Rosie down. Rosie’s fine, you only have to listen to them playing.’ Giggles came from above. ‘You saved a baby. That’s amazing. You are amazing. Come here.’ He wraps me in his arms and I allow all my upset to spill out as I allow him to believe that I saved a baby. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
I shake my head and sniff. What I want to do is talk about how it felt like I was rescuing Jessica from the sea. I want to tell him about the message, but I can’t. I promised him that I’d find a way to get over Jessica so that our children would not feel stifled, not dig things up in such a big way. I should have got a different job. The burden of being protector at this level terrifies me but it’s all I know. Being a swimming instructor is all I’ve ever done, but the lifeguard responsibilities, they might be too much.
‘Baby Jake is fine.’ My sobs subside as I think of his little face as his mother angrily snatched him off me. ‘I’m fine. It was a shock, that’s all. I think I just need a shower, a hot chocolate and snuggles with my wonderful husband and children.’
He pulls away, a large smile on his face. I take in the freckles on his fair skin, the same ones that I fell in love with all those years ago. He’s ruggedly handsome with his stubble and I’m a mess. I inhale the scent of paint that always lingers on him after a day’s work.
‘I can make the hot chocolate happen. Why don’t I order us a pizza and we’ll have a film night. You go and get cleaned up, I’ll sort the rest out.’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too. Now go.’
I feel like a fraud now but I’m comforted by his affection. Before heading into the bathroom, I peer into the bedroom and I see the girls playing hospital and bandaging a teddy up. They really melt my heart. Damien’s right. I need to let the past go. I need to give my girls more freedom to grow. I will find a way to finally allow Jessica to rest in peace and that message is just like the rest. Nothing I do will bring her back but I stand to lose all the precious things I have if I carry on the way I have been, and I will never risk losing my family.
Before checking my phone, I make sure the bathroom door is locked. Several messages from work light up. Nadine and Brett are checking on me, asking if I’m okay. After turning on the shower, I send quick replies telling them that I’m fine and that I’ll see them tomorrow at work.
My finger brushes on the web browser and I type in Facebook. It’s no good, I have to check the page. As I click into that message, I see the three dots which means the sender of the last message, Will, is about to reply. The pulse in my head is banging louder than ever and all I want to do is shout at the screen for the sender to hurry up. The three dots vanish and my heart drops. My friend request still hasn’t been accepted. I click onto his profile again. It could even be some bored teenager, like before.Shut up!It’s probably not even a real profile. I’m getting needlessly carried away again. It’s a troll messing with my head. People are like that, they’ll revel in your deepest misery. I’ve seen the darker side of humanity too many times, yet I fall for it over and over again. Even the police have wiped their hands of me on this. He’s gone, for now.
Just as I go to step into the shower the three dots appear once again and I stare in hope that a message will come.
I flinch at the knock on the bathroom door. ‘Kate, you okay?’ Damien waits for an answer.
I drop my phone on a pile of towels face down just in case he walks in, before realising that the door is locked. ‘Yes, I’ll be five minutes.’
‘Great. Pizza will be here soon. I’ve ordered it. Kettle’s on.’
‘Thanks, love.’
As I lather my body up, I wonder if Will has finally replied. I’m struggling to dismiss the message as nothing more than a troll. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t take it seriously. My heart is telling me I need to find a way of going back to Looe so that I can find Will. There is something I need to do and the very thought sends sickening flutters through my stomach. I need to see my dad. That article is awful, so awful I don’t even want to show it to Damien. Why did my dad have to speak to them? I’m going to have to talk to him about what happened that day and I’ll get my answers, once and for all.
SIX
KATE
Wednesday, 12 October
My heart bangs as I pull up at the house I grew up in. Once it had been pretty, with window boxes and flower beds dug into the front lawn. Now, dried up weeds are entangled against the front of the house and the lawn is mud.
I haven’t seen my father since my mother’s funeral, three years ago, and that was enough. After Jess died, he did nothing but drink. My mother and I were made to feel like intruders in our own home as he slurred and shouted. I couldn’t help but resent him as it was his drinking that lost Jessica. As soon as I turned sixteen, I left them, choosing to live in a room above a shop. Mum stood by him and I’ll never know why. I remember seeing her brave face as she brushed over his hurtful comments or tried to cover up their arguments, but he had a nasty tongue.
As I take the mossy steps and open the creaky gate, I stop and peer through the bay window. I can’t see him but I know he’s in. He never went out much when Mum was alive and from what I’d heard from the neighbours I’d kept in touch with, he barely went out now. I glance back, he still has his car but it’s parked under a tree on the road, covered in dried up berries and bird muck.
He must have seen the article. If he had, I know he’d be drinking himself into oblivion and I dread what I might find behind that washed-out wooden door.
I move his old rusty pushbike out of the way and hurry to the door. It’s not like I have all day, I have to be in work for midday. I swallow, wondering if I did the right thing in not telling Damien that I was visiting Dad. If I told him about Dad, I’d have to tell him about the message and the article. Knowing how I’ve reacted to things like this in the past, he’d have put his foot down. The last thing he needs is me going off the rails.
Knocking on the door, I step back and wait.
