‘I think I’ll pop to the beach café to grab some lunch.’ I need to take a few minutes to check my phone and try calling Damien again.
Dad brushes sand from the very little hair that he has left and laughs uncontrollably as Millie jumps on him while telling him to be a horse for the tenth time that day. ‘Hey, girls. Grandad might need a break. Can you make a sandcastle while Mummy gets lunch? I’d love some chips. What’s better than chips by the seaside?’
The girls scream again. It makes my heart swell to see them this happy. That’s all it took; sand, the tiniest bit of sun and a few chips. No one is bored but I do suspect that my dad might need a nap. I manoeuvre myself off the blanket that has been weighed down with the girls’ toys.
‘I’ll be back in five then.’
I stand and brush my clothes down before strolling along the beach. I try to call Damien again but he still doesn’t answer. Maybe he still needs more time, the least I can do is give that to him. When I enter the café, the warmth hits my face. I order four portions of chips and wait.
As I hand the money over, I see that my dad is now staring at his phone and the girls are running around on the beach. They’re getting closer to the sea. A lump forms in my throat as I see Millie bend down to reach the lapping wave. Before I know it, I have the bag of food dangling from my wrists and I’m trudging through sand.
‘Millie,’ I yell, but I’m too far away for her to hear me. I see how she kicks the water with her toe and proceeds to stand there as the wave laps at her feet. Rosie laughs and begins to sprint towards her sister. In my mind, she is running so fast, she’ll run straight into the sea and a wave will take her out. My heart bangs at the thought of having to go in. However much I tell myself that seawater is just water, that doesn’t take away the fear that is filling my body.
I drop the chip bag and within seconds, I reach the girls. ‘Get out of there now, Millie. What have I told you?’ I yank her back and grab Rosie at the same time.
‘I just wanted to touch the water, Mummy. We weren’t going in the sea.’
‘We’re going back to the cottage. Go and pack your things away now.’ By this time, my dad is hurrying over too.
‘I don’t want to go back. Want to stay on the beach.’ Millie’s bottom lip folds over her top and she crosses her arms. Rosie has started to cry and both of them whine about not going back to the cottage.
‘I don’t care what you want right now, you can both sulk all you like. What you did was dangerous and you’re going to have plenty of time to think about it.’
They have to know that I make the rules to keep them safe and seeing them so close to the sea sent shocks through my body. I glance back, knowing that Jess is out there, somewhere, and there’s no way on earth my girls are joining her. They are too precious to me.
As the girls sit on the blanket looking as miserable as the grey cloud being pushed through the blue skies, they stare into their laps.
‘I was watching them, Katie.’
‘You.’ I stare directly into his eyes. ‘I left you for a few minutes and when I look back, you’re on your phone and Millie and Rosie are virtually in the sea. I trusted you, Dad.’
In my mind, I’m back to that day. Dad wasn’t watching Jess and just now, he wasn’t watching my precious daughters.
‘I was keeping an eye on them. I could see them all the time and they weren’t in the sea.’
‘Jess lies dead in that sea. I don’t want that to happen to my children.’
My dad takes a deep breath as if choking back a sob.
‘What was so important it couldn’t wait until I got back with the chips?’
‘I just needed to ask Danny next door to check on the house.’
Rosie is now crying like the world is about to come to an end and it’s his fault. He wasn’t watching them and now I’m the bad guy. I stride over to get the chips but a feisty seagull already has its beak in the bag. Running over, I shout and the bird squawks as it flies off. For a second, I feel an immense sense of guilt. In the cave, the sound of a seagull saved my life, now I’m shouting at one like a person deranged on the beach. Brushing the bag down, I hurry back. We can take the chips to the cottage and eat in the warm. So much for a lovely family day out. Everything has been ruined.
‘Right, pack up,’ I tell them again.
Dad comes over to me and speaks quietly. ‘I’m sorry, Katie. Look at them, they just want to eat their chips on the beach. We can all sit together.’
‘But they…’ I wanted to say that they need to know not to go near the sea and if I don’t follow through with what I said, they won’t take me seriously but he doesn’t give me a chance.
I thrust the bag into his hand and he gets down on the blanket and hands the polystyrene boxes out. Maybe I was over the top. Millie wasn’t in the sea, she was just touching the water and Rosie, even though I thought she might run straight in, she stopped at the shoreline. Dad was watching them. Again, the problem is me, it’s always me. Swallowing, I kneel on the blanket and take my chips as I look at my sad girls.
‘Mummy’s sorry. I just love you all so much, I couldn’t bear to lose you but the sea is dangerous. Promise me you’ll always be careful.’
‘Promise, Mummy.’ Rosie hiccups her last cry and seems placated by the chips. Millie is already tucking into hers.
‘Now, let’s eat before the food gets cold then we can go back into the warm.’ Dad speaks in a jolly over-the-top way and the girls smile.
