‘Okay.’
‘It sounds stupid but I’ve never experienced being a father and let’s face it, I’m past it and I’m never going to get the opportunity to be a dad, and I want that so badly, you can’t imagine.’
‘You never said.’
‘I never said because I never thought I’d get the chance. This yearning right in my core is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I can’t let this go.’
Gina drank the brandy down in one. ‘Do you love her, I mean really love her?’
He shrugged.
‘Or do you like the idea of being a husband and father?’
‘All I know is I can’t stop thinking about having a normal family life when all we experience is horror on a daily basis. I want a reason to exist. I want someone to look after, to nurture. I’m human, Gina. What more can I say? This is my chance to be happy.’
‘Will she make you happy? This seems rushed.’ She hoped that he’d change his mind. Everything seemed too rushed. She loved him immensely and she’d never try to ruin any genuine happiness that would come his way but she could tell that he didn’t love this woman; he loved the fantasy that he’d created in his head. ‘It’s not real.’
‘You’re a fine one to talk.’
‘What does that mean?’ Her hands gripped the empty glass.
‘What we have, had… I wanted it to be real but it’s like a weird dream. No one knows about us. It’s not a relationship.’
‘Well, what is it then?’ Her head was aching with tension.
He didn’t reply.
‘What about all the secrets we share?’
He sighed. ‘Is that all you care about?’
‘No.’
He remained silent for a few seconds. ‘They’ll go to the grave with me.’
Gina imagined him getting closer to his new partner, eventually he’d tell. Couples always do. Then what? She had no choice but to trust him. ‘You didn’t answer me. Do you love her?’ He remained silent. ‘If you don’t love her, you’ll not only be messing around with her feelings, you’ll have the child to consider.’
He scraped the chair on the floor and walked out, slamming her front door behind him without answering her question. She threw the glass against the wall and it shattered, just like she had. Laying her head on her hands at the table, she sobbed so loud she thought she might literally sob her broken heart out of her mouth. This woman had something to offer that Gina could never give him. A child. Love was irrelevant when the yearning to have a child was so strong.
Just when she thought that this week couldn’t get any worse, it had. She leaned over and grabbed the bottle of brandy. Taking it into the lounge, she poured herself another glass. It was going to be a long lonely night and one which she’d never forget.
Once a loner, always a loner.
* * *
