‘In your own time, Stephanie. I know this isn’t going to be easy but please, tell us all you can.’ Gina knew time was of the essence but she also knew that what Stephanie was about to say couldn’t be rushed out in one sentence.
The woman took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a couple of seconds then sat back. ‘We were in our teens, Dale and I were a bit older than Susan when we all joined the youth group but Susan exuded a confidence that made her seem older. We’d turn up with a lot of other kids and play pool, table tennis, do arts and crafts and they’d sometimes have roller discos. It had been so much fun and we found that our parents gave us the freedom we craved once they knew we were safe at the club.’ She frowned as she thought.
‘What happened after that?’
She bit her little nail and hunched over the table. ‘It all went wrong. We wanted to be more grown-up and the youth leader back then started bringing drinks, alcopops. He’d give them to us. We all thought we were so cool and grown-up, except Dale. He was nervous about the whole thing. We told Dale it would be okay and I have to live with that forever. It was far from okay.’ She looked up with glassy eyes. ‘We started going there more, it was just Dale, Susie and me. We called her Susie then. He called her Susie. We were off our heads a lot of the time. He’d take us to the back office along a locked corridor. Three doors, we had to go through. The room had a computer up the one end and there was a couch as you went in. It was messy and gloomy but he’d done it up with lights and a disco ball. Anything we wanted he would get, from vodka to cake, sometimes he’d give us money for new clothes. It was like every day was our birthday. There was one thing he always gave us and we loved it back then, these long sticks of red liquorice. We’d munch on them all the time.’
Gina watched as Jacob scribbled the odd note down. ‘And…’
‘We’d turn up at the club any time, sometimes alone and even when it was closed. It was like we three had special privileges. I went there alone one day after he told me that the others would be there and he touched me. I didn’t know how to tell him to stop. He was always so kind and gave us everything. I froze, not quite believing it had happened. I’d never even had a boyfriend being a late developer. I was embarrassed and didn’t tell a soul but that wasn’t the first time. It happened again and again until one day, he forced me to…’ She traced the grain in the table with her finger and swallowed. ‘He made me have sex with him and told me if anyone asked, he’d say I was drunk and we’d been having a relationship for ages. I had just turned sixteen. Don’t you dare ask me why I kept going back. I’ve been trying to answer that question myself for ages. At first he seemed to have some sort of hold over me, then…’ She wiped a tear away and shrugged. ‘Dale and Stephanie were my friends and we had a lot of fun there. I didn’t want that summer to end and I didn’t want our little friendship group to die so I continued to say nothing. Before I knew it, I was in too deep. He said I’d spoil things for Dale and Susan, that our friendships would break up if they knew. I thought it was just me that he was abusing. I can call it that now. There is more, a reason I couldn’t report him. He used a photo to keep me silent, I was naked on his couch. There were other photos too and I don’t remember him taking them. I still don’t know how I ended up like that on the couch. Now I know he drugged me and I still have no idea what he did to me all those times.’ She hiccupped a sob and wiped her nose. ‘I said nothing to anyone because of those stupid photos. That was up until the Youth Club Facebook Group had been set up and the reunion had been arranged. I’d contacted Susan and Dale, that’s when my worst fears had been confirmed. He’d abused us all.’
Gina swallowed the knot that was forming in her throat. Her fists clenched under the table with everything that Stephanie was saying. Her stomach began to turn. In her line of work, she knew that teenagers were a particularly vulnerable group and this man had targeted them. She pictured Stephanie the teenager, awkwardly trying to act like a grown-up as she tried to fend off his advances. But she wasn’t a grown-up, she was a teen. She pictured Susan who had recently lost her father. Had he offered her the love and sympathy she so craved, that she wasn’t getting at home from her overworked mother and older sister?
‘Dale came forward with his story first. I thought it was just me before that. Our abuser had told me never to say anything; that others wouldn’t understand. He said they’d think I was a little slut and names stuck, that I was sixteen and we were in a relationship. I’d already been bullied at school and he knew that. I’d confided in him many times before the abuse started. He had every tool he needed to manipulate me; he knew my weaknesses. I can see it now. Dale was bullied too, because of his weight. Kids were evil to him. They’d push him around, kick him. He’d felt safe at the club.’ She paused and closed her eyes for a moment. ‘After the reunion, Dale told me he was raped by him on numerous occasions, that he pretended they were in a relationship and Dale couldn’t get his head around it. He messed with our heads, you have to understand that.’ Stephanie looked up through her fringe, seeking reassurance. A tear slid down her cheek. ‘Then there was Susan. She was slightly younger. We told her never to go there alone, to wait for us. I didn’t know at the time why Dale said that and he didn’t know why I had. She didn’t listen. She’d been going the longest, we also found that out in the lead up to the reunion.’
‘Can you tell me a little about the reunion?’
Jacob glanced at her. She knew he wanted her to ask for the name of their abuser but she needed Stephanie to offer that information. She’d ask in a moment.
‘We met up and had a drink and then something happened, Susan opened up and when we all realised, we cried together for what seemed like ages. We were discussing the next steps to take. We’d collated our stories and we were all going to report him, but we were going to do it together. We knew we had no evidence, only our testimonies, making it important that all three of us reported him together. Dale was reluctant at first, he didn’t want to disrupt his life. I could see the shame burning inside him. He’d met a man who he was in love with, he didn’t want him to know what had happened. In a way, he still blamed himself, thinking he allowed it to happen, feeling like he was party to his own abuse. I spoke to him many times on the phone and kept trying to tell him that he was a child. He couldn’t get his head around it. Anyway, on the night of the reunion, our abuser unexpectedly turned up. We think he may have had a fake profile on Facebook to join the youth club group, but on the other hand it’s a public group, anyone can see it. He knew where we’d be that night and he enjoyed making us feel uncomfortable. He was there to keep our silence. We went outside in a panic and Susan’s husband turned up and went ballistic, thinking that Susan was having an affair with Dale. She wasn’t ready to tell him and he’d probably been wondering where she was or why she was always on the phone. I didn’t like him and I told her that. I was glad when she said she was divorcing him. I suppose it’s easy to walk into a relationship with a vile, controlling person when you’ve been through what we’ve been through.’
Gina glanced at Jacob’s pad. He’d written ‘who ishe/them?’ at the bottom of the page. He was right. If she didn’t ask, Stephanie might not volunteer this information at all and while Phoebe and Susan were still out there, the clock was ticking.
‘Can you tell us who abused you? Susan and Phoebe are still missing and we have to consider that he may have abducted them and they could be in danger. You know how dangerous this person is. Please, Stephanie, just think of what they might be going through.’
Stephanie sat still for a few seconds and a single tear ran down her cheek. ‘But, he has photos of me. He said he’d send them to everyone if I ever told.’ Another tear drizzled down her cheek. ‘Ronnie Halshaw. He was a volunteer at the centre. Everyone loved him, giving up his time to help all those kids. Pillar of the community Ronnie. I hate him.’ She slammed her fist onto the table and her lips quivered as she wept. ‘Susan was the bravest, she told us that she’d told his wife that he’d touched her. Next thing we heard, she’d left him and taken their daughter to live up north with relatives. He was so angry after that. He told me then, if I ever breathed a word, he’d kill me and I believed him. For years, I’d see him hanging around my street, watching me. He did the same to the others too, I know that now. Eventually he moved away and I suppose we buried it, all three of us. Buried our shame and self-blame. We moved on with our lives, tried to forget.’
Gina knew these things never truly got buried. They got carried around like excess baggage, getting heavier every time the bad memories flashed up. She could see the weight that Stephanie was carrying. The woman was still young, yet she looked exhausted and nervous. Her hair split at the ends, her nails picked to the skin, drawing blood around the sides.
‘He started following me again, these past few weeks. I saw him around. He came to my house and pushed that revolting liquorice through my letterbox. That’s why I hid in my shed and kept the knife by my side. With Dale being murdered and Susan going missing, I didn’t know what to do. We’d vowed to do this together, go to the police and tell our stories. I still had hope that Susan would turn up, which is why I waited. Then that bastard turned up at my house and, as before, he was in control. The intimidation worked. I feel like that scared teenager all over again. There is something else.’ She began to sob as she rocked back and forth.
Gina tilted her head and gave Stephanie a warm smile. All she could do was continue to put her at ease.
‘One time he brought another man along. This only happened to me and I didn’t tell the others. I couldn’t remember what happened until last night. I went back to the youth club and finally faced it all. It’s still fuzzy but I remember something now. Going back last night – it worked. I remember.’ She sobbed into her hands.
Gina passed her a box of tissues. ‘You’re doing really well, Stephanie.’
‘The other man, Ronnie told him he could sleep with me, that I liked it. They locked the back office. I can’t remember much of it. I just get these flashbacks of his sweat landing on my face and I hate him, I hate myself. I was drugged. Stupid, stupid, disgusting, dirty.’ She slapped herself across the face and began scratching at her arms under her coat.
‘Stephanie, listen to me. You are not stupid, you’re not disgusting and you’re not dirty, do you hear me? You were abused and none of it was your fault. He groomed you and abused you and then saw fit to blackmail and threaten you into silence.’
She nodded as she blew her nose. ‘Ronnie just kept telling him to do it and eventually he did. He’d instantly regretted it, I could tell that. He was shaking and looked like he might burst into tears or throw up. Ronnie and he argued. I was in a daze and can’t remember what was said, it’s more like a film playing out in my head. I felt hollow as if my body wasn’t mine, like I was having an out-of-body experience and I was somewhere else. I can’t remember many of the details. I’ve tried to visualise the whole thing from start to end but my mind blanks the painful bit out. I don’t want to remember everything.’
‘Do you know the other man?’
She nodded and continued scratching her skin.
‘You’re doing great, Stephanie. I know this isn’t easy.’
‘I can still feel their dirt on me. I hate them. I hate them! I’ve been carrying this darkness around for so long, my heart feels as though it will burst. Do you know what I mean?’
Gina nodded. She knew all too well how that darkness felt. She’d carried her own secrets around for so long. She understood that, at times, they come close to bursting out, often without warning. She felt the darkness within, the darkness that enshrouded every bit of light that life had to offer. This depressive realist state of mind that never left was with her too. She understood totally. Soon, that becomes who you are. She only hoped the cloud would eventually lift for Stephanie.
Stephanie paused. ‘I wasn’t sure who he was but when I was back in touch with Susan I noticed something on her Facebook profile, a friend of hers, and I was sure it was him. I went to the house a few nights ago, hoping to get a closer look. You were there.’
‘Me?’ Gina asked.
‘You came out of their house and I ran. I’m so sorry. I know I may have scared you but I couldn’t stay there and explain to you why I’d been watching the house. I saw him through the window and there was no mistaking that it was him. He was the other man. Ronnie used to call him Lanky back then. He wasn’t overly tall but he was skinny. I was angry, confused and I couldn’t understand why Susan didn’t know or mention anything. Then I thought, she didn’t know. I knew it would break her heart when I told her which is why I wanted to be the first to tell her, but I couldn’t get her on the phone.’
