I feel like a little kid whining to her big sister because things didn’t go her way, but lately, life has just been one thing after another. I don’t want to keep doing this, to have things fall apart just as I start to trust them.
I want one thing, justone fucking thing, that I can turn to and know it’s not going to shove a knife in my heart.
I got so used to texting Wayne that every time my phone chimes, it’s just a cruel reminder of who isn’t calling me. I can’t look at my sheets the same way after knowing he laid on them with me. Even the bowl he used when we ate dinner together sits untouched in my cabinet, because I can’t bring myself to eat out of it. I wasn’t supposed to get so attached to him for exactly this reason, but I did anyway.
And look where it fucking got me.
“Okay, hey, you have to breathe,” Angeline says.
Her voice isn’t sharp, but it is firm, and the sound of it grounds me in the present. If I start swimming off into my own thoughts right now, I have a feeling they’ll drown me.
I follow her example and take several slow, deep breaths. They come shakily, my shoulders tense and my ribs tight, but it helps. Angeline keeps her eyes on me as we breathe together, her hand on my shoulder to steady me.
“He put her back in the ring too early, against your advice.” Angeline talks calmly, her voice unwavering as I continue to struggle against hyperventilation. “I know you, you documenteverything. I’m sure there are emails or texts or notes in her chart that say she wasn’t cleared to race again. If he takes it to court, that’ll be enough to clear you. If it’s not, I’ll testify on your behalf. Hell, half of his employees probably will, too. I don’t want to see you cry about this. Things are going to be okay.”
I don’t want to cry about it, either, but I don’t feel like I have any control over it. My emotions are all over the placeconstantly. If I knew pregnancy was going to be like this, I would’ve been a hell of a lot more careful.
Just thinking about being pregnant is enough to send me straight back into tears.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” I babble through tears. “I?—”
I cut myself off, not even sure what words are trying to force their way out of me. I haven’t told anyone. Even with Mary, I didn’t actually say the words out loud.
“It’s okay to be overwhelmed, Katie. Why don’t you?—”
“I’m pregnant.”
The words burst out of me without my permission, and I meet Angeline’s shocked eyes with a horrified look of my own.
“You’re… you’repregnant?” She trips over the syllables, glancing between my face and my stomach like she expects me to suddenly be showing. “What? How?”
Well, when two people love each other very much … or stupidly, don’t use a condom.
I laugh bitterly, shaking my head.
“It was a mistake.”
I cringe even as I say it, my hand dropping to my stomach in guilt. That’s not how I want to think about my child. I don’t want them to ever feel unwanted. I may not be ready, but that doesn’t mean I’ll let myself be a bad parent.
I’m going to love this child, no matter what.
“Who’s the dad?” Angeline asks in a hushed voice. “How far along are you? Does anyone else know?”
A million other questions circle in my mind in the wake of hers, and I don’t have answers to any of them. I don’t know what I’m going to do about work when I can’t hide it anymore. I can’t perform surgery when I’m pregnant, which means finishing my specialty courses is all but off the table. Then there’s the question of paying for necessities — my apartment, groceries,baby supplies — while I can’t work. Besides, I have no fucking clue how to raise a child.
I was supposed to havetime, to plan carefully and have a list of names and preschools ready before I got pregnant.
I wasn’t supposed to take a test in my boss’s bathroom on a random fucking Wednesday.
God, what the fuck am I going to tell Everett? I don’t think I could take it if he’s disappointed in me. He’s like family to me, he’s always been there for me.
My breath wobbles as tears slide down my cheeks again, burning a relentless path over my skin. I feel like I’m making mistake after mistake, but I don’t have control over any of it. I don’t even have control over myself right now. My whole body shakes as I fail to fight back my sobs, and my heart aches viciously in my chest.
“I just… I need to go. I need to be at home.” I suck in a deep breath and close my eyes in an attempt to get my tears under control. Crying and panicking isn’t going to help me fix any of this. “Can you not tell anyone? Just say I’m sick or something. I’m not ready for anyone to know.”
Angeline makes a soft, sympathetic sound in the back of her throat as she squeezes my shoulder. She doesn’t press for answers to any of her questions.
“My lips are sealed, I promise,” she says. “Go home and get some rest. I’ll make sure all your appointments get rescheduled. Just take care of yourself, okay?”
