How little it took to make a woman raise her chin and be proud of herself. And how seldom men realised that fact.
Giles took another drink. Whiskey helped at times like these; times when his thoughts girdled the earth, as it were, and when they delved within his Lady’s psyche.
Many might have viewed his position as butler, plain and simple.
In fact, it was more. A great deal more. And sometimes his shoulders ached with the burdens he carried.
The letter in front of him might add to, or ease, those burdens. If he didn’t read it, he’d never find out.
Putting down his glass, he reached for the small packet, picked up his paper knife and slit the strings.
ChapterEighteen
Journal of Gwyneth, Dowager Countess, Lady of Wolfbridge - May 1818
I know I am supposed to keep a daily record of my life in this journal. And I shall try to at least record some of my thoughts more often than every other month. But with so much of my time spent on recovering my strength and learning about Wolfbridge…there hasn’t been chance or, indeed, a need for such a thing.
After all, I have to wonder what sort of Lady would be interested in the megrims of her predecessor? Would any of them care that Evan has made me some of the most delicious meals, many of which I truly believe have helped me attain my current state of well-being?
They would probably be more interested in knowing how Evan’s lips taste and how masterful are his kisses. And they might also smile as I report that he is not alone in these skills. Jeremy’s hands are cleverer than any man’s has a right to be, Royce shows no hesitation in revealing his desires, and Gabriel? Gabriel is quite extraordinary.
My experiences have not been far reaching, but even I can tell when a man might not be interested in women. I thought at first this could be the case with Gabriel. He is far too beautiful for his gender, and seems warmly affectionate to the others, who return those sentiments quite naturally.
But apparently, since he has become familiar with my body during my recovery, he is expressing a deal more than friendly interest in my womanly self. I find it marvellous, amazing…it is as if I am discovering myself through his eyes. He’s not shy about admitting to his virginity. He’s never had a woman, and isn’t ashamed to tell me so. But his gaze, when he bathes me, his fascination with my body…and the evidence such sights have on his own responses…all very gratifying. Should he decide to cast aside his innocence with me, I have no doubt I will be thoroughly satisfied by the event. Gabriel appears to be well-equipped to bring a woman pleasure.
As do they all.
And therein lies a problem I find to be more and more difficult to solve. Which man should I consider as a bedmate? Will the others be jealous if I choose just one? How could I manage were I to want two?
And when did these wanton thoughts appear in my mind, to not only plague me when I wake alone at night, but also to arouse and intrigue me? I have never been unduly interested in the physical side of love. My first time was magical, but now I have to be honest and admit there was some discomfort. Only the fact that Michael was the one to take my virginity made it tenable. I loved him so very much that anything we did together was wonderful. He was the magic rather than the deed itself.
If matters had turned out differently, would it have become an act I looked forward to?
I’ll never know. Instead my experience moved to the Earl, who was fairly gentle, and took pains not to hurt me. He was a considerate man, but never seemed to know that I could achieve satisfaction as well as he. I cannot and will not complain about him as a husband, since I hoped for no more than I received.
I miss him sometimes…not his physical presence, but the security I felt when he was alive. Nobody dared touch or insult or act inappropriately with the Countess, not while her husband still lived. All that was ripped away, and I cannot deny it has left a scar.
Perhaps it is that security that I am re-discovering here at Wolfbridge. I cannot imagine anyone being inappropriate with my gentlemen nearby.
Whatever the case, whether it be security or just simple affection, I am finding both - and more - here at the Manor and in the capable hands of my gentlemen, as they proved last night.
I awoke this morning, barely half an hour ago, to the most delightful lassitude. I found myself in a light nightgown, sprawled across my bed in a manner unusual for me…a person who generally tucks herself beneath the covers quite tightly. But today my legs were bare, my arms outspread, and my body still felt soft, sleek and relaxed after last night’s games in our pond.
I should describe it, but I’m not sure if my vocabulary contains sufficient adjectives to do it justice.
Suffice it to say that being passionately and sensually caressed by four men, four sets of hands, four mouths, four tongues, resulting in a release of magnificent proportions under a night sky…well, I heartily recommend it.
And even as I write, I grow hot, needy, my muscles are twitching and my belly roils with desire. I want…I want my gentlemen naked with me, taking me, claiming me, pushing me to that peak and throwing me into the maelstrom. They are the ones to do it; they have the skills and seem willing enough to play such games with me. As to the awakening of this need within me? I am astonished, shocked and forced to wonder if it has always been there, lying dormant, waiting for the right touches to arouse it. For it certainly gives me pleasure and excitement in equal parts. As do my gentlemen.
I must nurture and grow my relationship with them all, and to do so I must take them to my bed. Which returns me to the question of who and when.
Perhaps tonight.
Perhaps all of them at once, although how that would possibly work I cannot envision. But I must choose at least one. I must begin to be the real Lady of Wolfbridge, because I have a feeling that such interactions will bind my gentlemen to me a great deal more than just the words written on a page, or their promises to Giles.
Once they lie with me, they are truly of my Wolfbridge, no other Lady’s. So today I am determined to speak with Giles, to try and hold a neutral and acceptable conversation with him about it, and solicit his counsel. He has been through this with enough Ladies to fully understand, I’m sure.
For him it is probably a routine matter, even though for me it is far different.
