I am determined to see him soon, and to ensure Jane can continue her visits, although they may lessen in frequency. My heart will not be whole until he is home here with us once more.
I am coming to understand what it means to be the Lady of Wolfbridge, dear Diary. Giles gave me the letter penned by the very first Lady, in which it describes the duties, obligations and…well…benefits of the position. I am to protect the Manor and its lands - which I can do with ease and willingness, unless it involves one of my gentlemen. I made a difficult choice, but it was the right one, even though it separated me from Trick for too long.
I am to help others wherever I can and bring honour to the Wolfbridge name. This also I hope to do as time goes on. And finally, I am to love and cherish all the men who have dedicated themselves to serving Wolfbridge and its Lady. Yes, all of them.
I took my first real step toward that end the other night when I welcomed Daniel into my bed - and my body. Can I describe those hours? Not here. Not in words. The emotions engendered by our night together were fiercely passionate, and I can truthfully say Daniel’s tender and exquisite attentions have changed my life. Changed me. I learned what it is to lie with a man who cherishes me and wants nothing more than to give me pleasure. It was an experience that will stay burned into my heart for as long as I live, so I need no words to write any details here. Suffice it to say that I am exploring all the benefits of being Lady of Wolfbridge. I believe I may explore Jeremy next.
Am I wicked to eagerly anticipate that event? Many would judge me so. But I no longer judge myself since I am encouraged by the wisdom of all the Ladies of Wolfbridge who came before me. I trust that in some way I can pass this confidence along to those who will follow me down this unique road. But that is for the future.
For the now, I continue to pursue the inquiry into who might have effected the demise of Amery Fairchild. Judith’s visit was enlightening; she is a sweet girl who is growing up rapidly amidst a great deal of pain and confusion. Nothing ages one more quickly…I can attest to that fact.
It came to me that if somehow Giles could be appointed her guardian, then he could make suitable arrangements for her, and get her away from Fivetrees - and Baxter Fairhurst. I do not like the sound of that man’s interests toward Judith and the property; combined with his accusation against Trick, he has become the villain of my continuing story.
I am determined to also pursue the two servants who departed Fivetrees after the terrible night. Does such a departure indicate guilt of some kind? I won’t know until they are found and questioned. I shall ask Daniel to make those inquiries in the morning.
I will admit to having gambled a little on Giles and his abilities. I pray he has a contact in London who might welcome Judith’s presence; staying at Fivetrees is a risk I’d prefer she not have to take. She cannot live at Wolfbridge with me, which removes so much of our ability to protect her. Once again, I shall ask him about this in the morning.
I trust he is not too upset with me, although he did not make an appearance last evening. He mentioned that he had business to attend to, and since I really have little idea of what he actually does, other than take such good care of me and Wolfbridge, I cannot be concerned at his absence now and again.
The others kept me company, and we spent a fruitful time discussing the Fairhurst murder, for such is how we now think of it.
Sir Amery was not a well-liked man, but as Evan so wisely commented - it takes more than a dislike for someone to instigate a killing. There has to be a motive somewhere, and we are all agreed that money is most like the root cause. Who would benefit? Who has something to gain by removing Sir Amery?
I am determined to find out.
In the meantime, I am following the dictates of that interesting letter. Although I yearn to feel strong arms around me, embracing my nakedness with their own warmth, I am refraining from inviting such actions for a little while. The feelings they arouse are monumental, and I love to lie and remember them before I fall asleep. This gives me great pleasure, and should help me through for a little while before the yearnings become cravings and I ask Jeremy to lie with me.
And that is something I eagerly anticipate.
I love him. I love them. All of them. They have quietly slipped into my heart, curled up and made a place for themselves that is now part of me. So I do not feel any concerns about lying with each of them. This house, this Manor…within its walls there is no prejudice, bigotry or jealousy. There are no disgusted looks or crude insinuations. No scandal will result from what goes on here at Wolfbridge. We love each other, care for each other, and take that caring outside to do the best we can to bring others such happiness.
Are we a level above Society in our outlook and our behaviour?
Or are we - as I’m sure many would assert - several levels below?
An interesting question for a theoretical debate. Perhaps I might ask it many years from now, when I have grandchildren from a different generation, a different Society. It would be fascinating to hear their thoughts.
I never imagined writing words like these, dear Diary. My life before Wilkerson was so…small. Bound by convention, by the lack of position so craved by my parents, and by the dictates of what my Mama thought I should be. To even think thoughts such as those above, let alone act on them, would have been viewed as disgusting. I would have been beaten quite thoroughly, I believe, deserving of such punishment in their eyes, since it might well lessen my value to them.
It is strange how little they enter my thoughts now. I have accepted that they never loved me, or even cared for me very much, since I was not the son they yearned for. I suppose I should hope that the settlement Wilkerson paid them for me was handsome and that it has bought them the affirmation they sought.
But I don’t hope that. I don’t hope anything at all for them, since I have now learned what real affection, loyalty and commitment mean. I have seen and experienced such things. The two people who bore me and raised me…well, they must have been incapable of the finer emotions.
All I feel now is a smidgen of pity and I have trouble recalling their faces on the rare occasions when I attempt to do so.
Real love - the kind that lives not in the mind but in the heart and soul - that kind of love will never go away.
Chapter Twenty-Two
As Adalyn had predicted, Giles was of a reserved mood when he arrived to keep her company at breakfast the following morning.
“Giles, I’m so glad to see you,” she smiled. “I have many questions ready for you.”
“Ah,” he said, pouring tea for them both. “I see I must sit and answer them then.”
“Please…” She gestured to a chair. “But before anything, I feel I owe you an apology.”
“No you don’t.” He sipped his tea.
