Annie heard the unfeigned sorrow in Janet’s voice and searched her conscience, seeking a measure of compassion. She found none. It was as if some unknown entity had crawled into the space beneath her ribs, stealing her ability to feel anything beyond her own shock and fear. She turned around and, for the first time, dared to look upon Janet as her mother. And still, she felt nothing.
“Annie?” Janet regarded her through wide eyes. “Was there something else you wanted to ask?”
Annie shook her head. “No. I merely wish to address what you said earlier, about Julian Northcott. You cannot seriously believe he’ll want to pursue a relationship with the bastard child of a farmer. And I cannot help but think you might be pleased about that, since I’ve suspected, from the start, that you disliked him.”
Janet flinched and dropped her gaze to her lap. Hattie, who had just entered the room with a tray of tea, paused mid-step, her jaw dropping. Saying nothing, she set the tea tray on the sideboard and then turned to face Annie.
“Given what has occurred here this morning,” she said, her expression grim, “emotional exchanges are to be expected, and allowances must be made. I cannot speak for Janet, but I am, at this very moment,making an allowance for what just came out of your mouth. You’re upset, Annie, of course, and I’ll choose to take that as a reason for your uncharacteristic rudeness. Now, let’s have some tea and, hopefully, a civil conversation about how this situation might be handled.”
“Upset?” Annie laughed, a sound void of humor. “I am completely lost, Hattie. I cannot even begin to describe how I feel. Betrayed, foolish, and naïve, to begin. I pray Mr. Mason will respond to my letter sooner rather than later, because I think it best I distance myself from all this and return to London.”
“And I think it best you wait a while,” Hattie said. “Running away will solve nothing.”
“Neither will a cup of tea,” Annie countered.
Janet parted with a soft sigh, rose to her feet, and went to Annie, halting not even a step away. Annie looked into her mother’s eyes, seeking something of herself. Instead, to her bewilderment, she found herself seeing through them, acquiring the perspective of a woman who had lost everything of worth. The emptiness within her dissipated a little.
“I never disliked Julian Northcott, Annie,” Janet said. “Quite the contrary. I saw his worth immediately. To my shame, my response to your association with him was, initially at least, purely selfish. You see, I’d planned to tell you everything last weekend, after we’d returned from Myddleton. I was going to tell you who I was, whoyouwere, and the circumstances of your birth. I’d waited till then because you’d arrived from London looking utterly defeated. It was obvious you needed time to rest. Time to recover. God knows, you’d already been through so much. But I hadn’t considered the possibility of a stumbling block like Julian Northcott. His presence at Myddleton, and your reaction to it, took me completely by surprise. I confess I resented, and feared, your attraction to him, because I knew where it would lead. Where it would leaveme. So I tried to fight it, tried to turn you away from him. But then I saw the way you looked at him, the way helooked at you, and I knew, before we’d even returned home that afternoon, that my moment had passed. That I’d lost my child all over again.” Her mouth trembled as she drew breath. “I had no choice but to submit to fate, to let you live your life unaware of who I really was. I could only hope that, once in a while, I might still have the privilege of being able to watch you, from near or far.” Eyes brimming with tears, she smiled and touched Annie’s face. “You are my daughter, and I love you. I have always loved you. And I have missed you, Annie. I have missed you so much! All I ever wanted for you—all Iwantfor you—is your health and happiness. That being so, nothing of what you’ve learned today needs to go beyond these walls, if that is what you prefer. We can go on as we were, as you were. I’d already decided the truth would remain hidden and resigned myself to it. Today’s events have been, to say the least, totally unexpected.”
Annie, absorbing all that had been said, didn’t answer. As she continued to look into Janet’s eyes, she began to understand, to see beyond her own feelings.
Hattie’s voice drifted into her thoughts. “Come and sit down, both of you, and have your tea.”
Janet took Annie’s hand and held it between hers. “I cannot pretend to know how you’re feeling, love. You don’t need to make any decisions right now. You’ve had a tremendous shock, so it’s best not to rush anything. Give it a few days, at least. And please, don’t worry about how to address me. Do whatever is comfortable for you. Now, come and sit down. Your hands are like ice and you’re awfully pale.”
For the second time that day, Annie made a decision. The first decision, the most heartbreaking of all, had been made earlier, when she’d read the contents of the portfolio.
Yet she stayed where she was, regarding the woman who’d given her life. Her mother. The only mother she would ever have.
A sense of compassion stirred, tussling with the contradictory sense of betrayal. Annie knew which of the two would be easier tobear. So much had been lost already. Still, she hesitated, not quite able to say the words her conscience now demanded. In the end, she just blurted them out. “I will no longer be your lost child, Mama. Or would you prefer ‘Mother’, perhaps?”
Janet’s hands flew to her face, catching her soft gasp. “Are you sure?”
Annie nodded. “Yes, I am. So, what is it to be? Shall I address you as ‘Mama’ or ‘Mother’?”
“Mama,” Janet said, tears falling as she reached into her sleeve for her handkerchief. “I preferMama. Oh, my dear, you’ve made me so happy.”
“Bless your heart, pet.” Hattie also armed herself with a handkerchief, pulling it from her apron pocket. “Bless your heart.”
“And I suppose you must be Aunt Hattie from now on,” Annie said, with a touch of genuine reluctance.
“Oh, I’m not fussed about that.” She shrugged. “I’ve always been Hattie to you. Actually, I think I’d prefer to keep it that way.”
“I’d prefer it as well, if you don’t mind. It would feel strange, otherwise,” Annie replied. “As for Mr. Northcott…” Her stomach tightened at the mere mention of his name. “I’ve decided I shall write to him.”
“And explain everything.” Nodding, Janet sniffed and dabbed her cheeks. “Yes, that’s a good decision. I really don’t think he’ll abandon you.”
“No, I’m not going to explain anything.” Annie pressed a hand to her chest, wondering if she even had the strength to put her intention into words. “I’m simply going to tell him I cannot… I cannot see him anymore. That I have no desire to continue our association.”
“What?” Janet’s handkerchief ceased its dabbing. “For heaven’s sake, Annie, why?”
“Because that will allow me to end it before he does.” Taking a shaky breath, she felt the heavy thud of her heart beneath her ribs. “Icannot bear the thought of being set aside due to the circumstances of my birth, which I would surely be. I have no wish to receive a letter from him telling me, ever so nicely, that our friendship, our liaison, is over. And I cannot even imagine the thought of facing him, of seeing the warmth fade from his eyes when I tell him who—or what—I really am. I would rather end it now and be done with it. It’ll be less painful in the long run.”
“Annie, please,” Hattie said. “Take some time to think about this. I’m not at all sure he’ll set you aside. He’s quite obviously smitten.”
“But it’s not just about him, is it?” Annie swallowed against a choking thrust of despair. “Men like Julian Northcott are required to make a suitable marriage. One that has the approval of the family and will not bring shame to the family name or result in scandal or gossip. Before this, my position in society was already less than might be deemed desirable. As it stands now, I am completely unsuitable, no longer worthy of his consideration.”
Hattie frowned. “Well, there is another option. Just don’t tell him—”
