“No rest for the weary.” He pointed to the bag. “I brought a donut too.”
Jesse peeked inside. An apple fritter. His favorite. “What’s going on? Is this about the movie? I told you, screenwriters have no say in—”
“The movie?” He stopped pacing. “No, no, nothing about the movie, though do bring up my name, old pal.” Back to pacing, Smitty appeared bothered, ruffled, unkempt. Rare was the time the man left his place without his hair slicked back and cologne liberally applied. But this morning, his coif twisted every which way and hisshirt tail swung over the top of his belt. “Though after the news I’m about to lay on you...” He shook his head. “I didn’t see it coming. I didn’t.”
“Smitty, sit down, you’re making me dizzy.” Jesse snatched the donut bag and sat on the S-shaped chair.
His friend sat for half a second, then popped back up. “There’s no easy way to say this, Jess, so I’m just going to... You have to get out. I’m sorry, but you do.” He stopped pacing, hands on his waist. Jesse stared at him, teeth buried in the fritter. “I knew this would happen. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. But did ol’ Smitty listen to his gut? No.”
Jesse chewed the crispy dough, swallowing with a hot taste of coffee. “What are you talking about? Get out of where?”
“Here!” Smitty swung his arms wide. “Archer is coming back. Monday. Tomorrow night. I need time to air this place out. I can’t leave it smelling like you and Hugo Boss.”
“Archer Doyle is coming home? Here?”
“Am I stuttering? Yes. Tomorrow.”
“You told me he was in Asia for ayear, Smitty. I signed a lease.” Jesse stood, slamming down his coffee on the living room table as he stood.
“Ooo, not there. Coaster!” Smitty dived for the coffee, rubbing the polished, wood surface with his palm. “Can’t leave a ring.” He glanced around for a place to set the cup. “See, bud, you don’t have a lease.”
“See, bud, I do,” Jesse said, the fritter still in his hand. “I sat right there and signed it with your gold pen.”
“No, no, you didn’t.” Smitty sighed, shaking his fists at the ceiling. “Me and my bright ideas. Look, champ, it was a fake lease. I made the whole thing up.”
“What?” Jesse dropped the fritter to the table. Smitty yelped and snatched it up, blowing at the sugar crumbs, balancing the pastry on top of the coffee cup.
“I’m going to have to bring in a cleaning crew... on a Sunday.Where am I going to find a crew on a Sunday?” He crossed to the kitchen and set the coffee and fritter in the sink. “Oh, I’m dead. Dead, I tell you. My license! I’m going to lose my license. I’m a horrible actor and an even worse Realtor. How can I be worse at real estate than acting?” He returned to the room and dropped onto the leather chaise, head in his hands.
“Smitty, what is going on?” Jesse folded his arms across his bare chest with the will to remain calm and get to the bottom of this. Wouldn’t be the first time Smitty freaked out over nothing.
“I’m a heel, a bum, the worst kind of friend.”
“Agreed. Now, what is this about moving out?”
“Look, Jess, when Archer told me he was going to Asia, I told him I’d keep an eye on the place. He said sure thing and gave me a key. That’s when I got the bright idea to lease it to someone...” He flopped against the back of the couch, arm over his eyes. “Someone worthy. You needed a new place, something fitting of your recent success, and it hit me, ‘Why not rent out Archer’s place? Earn a few bucks on the side?’”
“You used me? And Archer?”
“Not on purpose.”
“Yeson purpose.” Now Jesse paced, the glorious sunrise beyond the glass windows mocking the situation. “Where am I supposed to go? I put a deposit down on this place.”
“Money? No problem. I’ll give it back to you. Well, half. I had to pay the electric and water bills. And spend a few dollars on new clothes. And headshots. Man, those things are expe—”
“Smitty! You swindled me? I thought we were friends.”
“No, now, I didn’t swindle you. I found you a place to live, didn’t I? Though I might have swindled Archer.”
“You swindled both of us. Where am I supposed to go by tomorrow?”
“Well, today. Remember, I have to air this place out.”
“I want all of my money back.”
“Of course, of course. Do you take payments?”
Unbelievable.
