“Okay, so you’re a little grungy, but you’ve got this… I don’t know. A glow or something. You’re usually so dark, but all of a sudden, you’re all, ‘Excuse me, can I excuse myself?’” He mocked me by making the latter words of his sentence light and airy. “Old Denise would have been like, ‘I’m exhausted. I’m out.’”
“I, um…” All I could do was lean against the wall as I considered it. “There’s…someone. I wouldn’t hate my life if I got to be around him more.”
“Oh my god,” Carmine said, scoffing. “That’s about the dumbest way I’ve ever heard someone say that they liked someone, like ever. Who is it? Is he here or back in Philly?”
Suddenly, I remembered why I loved my Costa siblings so much. Back before Carmine or I knew the truth about the shit our mother was pulling, we were just two kids a handful of years apart who didn’t have any siblings and then suddenly did. We actually got pretty close in the time I was here right after I met Illiana. Cherri and Bennett were still really young. Bennett was actually still a baby, and Sid, Gabriel, and Callista were still a part of their birth families, none-the-wiser. We were about five years apart, but that didn’t stop us from getting to know one another.
In truth, Carmine was my first real friend.
“He’s here,” I said, opting for a little bit of truth.
“And?” Carmine said, waving his hands to coax me on. “What’s his name? How old is he? Is he worthy?”
Now, I couldn’t rightfully go and tell Carmine that the guy I was referring to was Ashton Carducci, given that the Carduccis and the Costas were sworn enemies, but I didn’t entirely want to lie to Carmine, either, especially given that he had taken an interest.
“His name’s not important,” I responded. “He’s a little younger than me, twenty-seven, and it doesn’t matter because nothing can come of it anyway.”
“First of all, kudos on knowing I’d run a background check on that guy right away if you’d told me his name,” Carmine said, and I let out a sigh of relief because I actually had not considered that. “Second of all, why can’t it work out? Because he’s a few years younger?”
“No. It…” I sighed. “Love doesn’t really work out for people in our particular position in life.”
“Mom found it,” Carmine replied. “Manny’s great.”
“I think you and I can both agree that mom found a lot of stuff before she found Manny.” With a shake of my head, I tried to push all thoughts of Ashton out of my brain. “It’s just too complicated, you know?”
“Yeah, but if he makes you likethis…” Carmine motioned up and down to me. “Isn’t it worth it to give it a shot?”
“And drag him into our bullshit?” I spat back. “He’s a good guy. Things are going well for him, and things don’t tend to go well for the people around me. I’m not about to poison his life with mine.”
It was frustrating how true the words felt coming out. Even if Ashton was in the same life as me, he wasnotin the same position. Regardless of Anthony Carducci’s apparent ineffectual behavior toward his children, it didn’t change the fact that he still cared about them. If something were to happen to Ashton, Anthony would mourn, and so would Arturo and Callista. I was a poison. The closer I got to Ashton, the further I pulled him from his family, and just because one of us didn’t have anyone they could truly call family didn’t mean it had to be that way for both of us.
“I wouldn’t feel right dragging him down,” I finished.
Carmine nodded his head. “I guess I get that. It sucks, though. You’re loads lighter than I’ve ever seen you. It’d just be nice if you could indulge yourself for once.”
I gripped the clothes I’d grabbed to change into a little tighter. “Yeah. I’ve pretty much written off indulging in anything.” I smiled at him. “Thanks, though.”
“Yeah. Wanna get lunch tomorrow? I can fill you in on everything that’s been going on around here.”
The thought made me more excited than it should have. “Yeah. I’d really like that.”
“Cool,” Carmine replied with a smirk. “Glad to have you back, sis.”
With that, he turned and walked out of the room, leaving me to myself. I was frozen in place for a while, a little shocked by the turn things took, but I was not unhappy. A nice hot shower was what I needed to wash the last few weeks off of me and turn my face toward the future. When I got out of the shower, I peeked in my medicine cabinet, which was filled with boxes of all different colors of hair dyes and contact lens colors. It was time for a change. I was still the Denise that had been with the Binachis and the one that had been with the Varassos. Leaving that version of myself behind was going to be important if I wanted to make a successful go of lying under the Queen of Deceit’s roof.
Sifting through the boxes, I finally pulled out a burgundy color that would shade well against my current dark color. A set of amber-colored contacts seemed like a good pairing for the hair, so I pulled both out and spent the next couple of hours changing my appearance. It was something I’d done a dozen or more times before, but something was oddly symbolic about this time. Watching the color in my hair and eyes change to something else was a reminder of the lives I was leaving behind. It was poetic to have an ambiguous appearance because I wasn’t really anyone specifically. I was kind of a Binachi, kind of a Carducci, and kind of Costa, but I wasn’t fully anything. I was just a woman, someone you find familiar but can’t quite remember the name and don’t care to find out. That was me.
When I was done, I left the bathroom and climbed into bed with my phone long enough to let my hair dry. Then I went to bed.
The coming days were filled with getting reacquainted with my family. Cherri had been hanging around me like a fan-girl, Carmine was trying to get more information out of me about my mystery guy, and Sid had been shipped off just a day after I arrived to head back to the Ghiardo household to try and helm some control for Illiana from Texas.
It was interesting to see how everyone was functioning as they got older. Unlike what I might have expected, Carmine appeared to be Illiana’s right hand. He was by her side nearly all day long and knew everything that was going on with her at all times. Whenever any of my siblings needed something that involved her, they went through Carmine first. She would never even address them directly, rather have Carmine deal with them. He didn’t seem to mind the role of power, but Carmine had always been more of an introvert, so it was interesting to see him with so much control. Why Illiana had him serving in that role as opposed to one of herpurechildren, I wasn’t sure, but it was a sight to behold, to be certain.
On the other hand, the Costa at the bottom of the hierarchical ladder, Bennett, had somehow become the most ruthless. He had a bad attitude and wasn’t afraid to use nasty language, even with his parents. He carried himself with a certain refined dignity, which belied the fact that he was borderline evil. Being the youngest of the Costas had made him a spoiled brat, but being only one of Illiana’s twopurechildren, he also had mafia-heir arrogance. It didn’t help that he was incredibly good looking, even for his young age. I could only imagine that he was popular at school as well. Still, despite his rancid attitude, he laughed with Carmine, got defensive about the boys Cherri liked at school, and on a couple of occasions, had even invited me to sit and talk with him to get to know him better. Despite having become a hell storm of cockiness and grit, he did seem to value his family.
Around the end of my first week at the Costa household, Illiana decided that she wanted to have a big, homemade Italian dinner. She and Cherri worked on a massive batch of homemade spaghetti and meatballs and had some fresh bread and cannolis brought in. We all gathered around the dining room table for a family meal, and it felt good to be a part of it. It was only half of the siblings I knew, and it wasn’t nearly as warm, but it reminded me of how the Varassos used to be.
It was a family. It wasmyfamily.
