One of the teenage girls unexpectedly rushes up to me and shoves a flyer into my hands. Her face reddens when I meet her gaze and she bashfully runs away.
I glance at the flyer. An invitation to a private party of some kind. At an apartment close to the University of Palermo. I crumple the flyer up and shove it into my pocket. I have better things to do than attend some stupid campus party. At least that’s what I tell myself. Maybe it would be good for me. And not just me… the more I think about it, the more I believe that’s precisely what Matteo and Roberto need. A party where they can fuck the brains out of a few university girls and forget about all their problems.
I retrieve the crumpled paper as I get into my car and carefully unfold it.
Why yes, we might just have to go.
* * *
Matteo isin the living room with my other brothers Enrico, Stefano, and Luciano, watching some Italian drama. Rosa, my sister, is also here, sitting next to Luciano. I’d called Roberto earlier and he told me he’d be home after he finished some errands. I also talked to Luciano, who told me that Matteo was doing better than yesterday. I’m not sure I believe him.
I wave at Matteo, tell him I want to talk to him.
He doesn’t come.
My other brothers notice and I nod at them. They vacate the room. Rosa, the last one to leave, turns off the television.
Matteo growls some curse and retrieves the remote to turn it back on. He flops back down, as if getting up took great effort.
I take a seat beside Matteo. “How are you feeling?”
“Good,” Matteo says quickly, without looking at me.
“Have you used again, since yesterday?” I press.
“Why do you care?” he asks.
“Because I’m your brother,” I tell him.
He sighs. “No. I haven’t.”
When he finally looks at me, his pupils seem normal, if haunted. He’s not constantly licking his lips, either.
“Good,” I tell Matteo. “I knew you were stronger than that.”
Matteo arches an eyebrow. “Am I?” He shakes his head and looks away, turning off the television with the remote. “I thought killing a man would be easy. And sure, it was. It’s the aftermath that’s the hard part. I don’t know how you dealt with it… but for me, realizing that the kid—and that’s what he was, a kid, we can lie to ourselves all we want and call him a man, but we know that’s not true—the kid will never get to see another day. I took everything away from him. Just because I was trying to scare him a bit. So he could lose a stupid race for us.
“I wonder if he ever kissed a girl. Ever had sex. Ever traveled. He has parents. Brothers, sisters, who’ll never see him again.” Matteo presses his lips together. “When I close my eyes, I can still see him falling. Still see the shock in his gaze when we let him go. The fear. But most of all, it’s the accusation beneath it all that gets to me. Those accusing eyes, boring into me, reminding me that I’m the one who did this to him. Me, and Roberto.”
I’m at a loss for words. I don’t really know how to comfort him. As I said, I felt no guilt over the man I killed. Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Then again, that man deserved to die, while Santo was an accident.
I have to try, so I say: “It gets easier.”
He looks at me and forces a smile. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I don’t need your sympathy.”
Growing angry, I gaze into his eyes. “It’s not sympathy. You’ve lost your footing, and I’m trying to hold you up so you don’t fall over the cliff. I’m partly to blame, no matter what you believe. If it wasn’t for me, none of this would have happened. I’m the one who chose that jockey and his horse. We could have picked any other, but I chose him. I wanted him to lose. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Just a whim. I wanted to feel powerful, knowing I could choose whoever I wanted.”
Matteo considers my words. Finally he says: “It was my idea to dangle him from a rooftop.”
“And I agreed,” I retort.
He merely stares at me a moment before finally looking away.
“Listen,” I tell Matteo. “There’s this party tonight on the University campus. There will be a ton of girls there. It’s just the pick-me-up you and Roberto need.”
Matteo perks up. “Is Michela going to be there?” he asks hopefully.
“Yes,” I lie. I make a mental note to give Luigi’s daughter a call at some point later. Even if she doesn’t come, with his looks, Matteo will easily find another girl to fuck.
