I learned this lesson too late.
Love didn’t have to be explicitly stated. It could be felt in the way someone made love. It could be seen in the way they wrote their words. It could be heard in the way they called your name. Everything Gianni had done proved he loved me, so why did I struggle to believe it.
Why did Lucia have to exist as a reminder of the one thing he wanted that he never got? If only she weren’t there. I’d never have to wonder.
Well, her and Angelo.
When she’d gathered all the letters, Alegna set the box on the edge of my bed and turned to face me. She remained kneeling on the floor, but sat back on her heels and put her hands in her lap. “I heard that things ran amok at the wedding.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Is it true that Gianni was really alive?” she asked.
My bottom lip quivered, but I begged my brain not to break. “Yes.”
“And now he’s dead?” she asked. Her voice was soft, almost too quiet to hear.
I did something between a nod and a shake. “Yes.”
Alegna took one of my hands in hers. “You loved him?”
That did it. The flood gates which held back my anguish crumbled and I started to sob. Any tears I wiped away were quickly replaced with twice as many and my throat was sore from fighting back my screams. I wrapped my arms around myself and dug my fingers in until the skin broke. Scratches formed where I was clawing, but I didn’t care.
Nothing mattered to me anymore.
Alegna stood up and pulled my head against her stomach. My cries were stifled by her body but still filled the room. I tried to think more than two or three minutes into the future, but my brain was in flight and was stopping me before reality could really settle over me. There was no Gianni in my future. Two or three minutes ahead, ten, a hundred, it didn’t make a difference. Gianni would never be there.
“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” Alegna hummed to me. “Falling in love in this world is a dangerous game.”
“He wanted to get married in Japan under the cherry blossom trees,” I sobbed. “He wanted to start a family and be with me forever.”
“Unfortunately, forever is quite a different length of time where we are.” She pulled my face back from her and wiped some of the tears from my face, not that it mattered much. “I’m so sorry.”
“What do I do now?” I asked.
“You do what we all do,” she responded. “You go on. They’re certainly going to.”
I’d done so much of that throughout my life. When my mom died, I just went on. When I was brought to the Cavettis, I just went on. When Gianni was yanked from me just as our relationship was getting going, I just went on.
No one knew how to just go on better than me. I didn’t want to do that anymore. I was sick of being strong. I didn’t have any strength left. I’ve given it all thinking that I would eventually be able to run off with Gianni and be happy. Rely on him and not have to be strong for once.
That dream had just gone up in smoke. How was I supposed to keep just going on?
After being consoled by Alegna until my eyes were raw from crying, I slipped out into the night. I made my way out to the cherry blossom tree that Gianni had planted for me and sat beneath it. Clouds filled the sky above, and I begged them to send down lightning to strike me. I closed my eyes and let the silence surround me and considered just staying out there until the cold or some animal ate me, whichever came first.
Then my pocket buzzed.
I looked down, confused at first, but then my heart climbed into my throat. I fished my hand into my pocket and pulled out the phone, staring at it ringing. It said ‘unknown number’ on the caller ID, but as far as I knew, only one person knew the number. If I answered it and it wasn’t who I thought it was, it was going to break me into pieces. Just a stupid telemarketer or wrong number, it was going to be the last straw that I had in my body.
But if it wasn’t…
I pressed the green answer button and set it to my ear, shakily saying, “Hello?”
17
Gianni
Icould instantly hear the pain in Philippa's voice as she answered and knew that she believed me to be dead. After all the pain I'd already caused her, it broke my heart even more to know that she'd been grieving for the past several hours.
