2
Oran
Leaning back in the chair, I tapped my temple absently as the room fell into silence, and Dr. Laura watched me through critical, narrowed eyes. My mind churned slowly, but the quiet became disconcerting before she spoke up.
“Do you regret . . . disposing . . . of Vanessa?” Rolling my jaw, my brows furrowed slightly in thought and I shook my head as irritation twitched my cheek. “From what I understand, your relationship with her had deteriorated before you two had met? She was reported to you by the Snake when she was with you in New York, right?”
“Esmarissa first told me of it then, yes. I had to verify her claims, and when I did, I did what anyone would do in my situation— I fired an unproductive employee.” I waved my hand dismissively, and Dr. Laura arched a brow in silent question as I licked my teeth. “Vanessa was not good at her job, but Carlyle kept her on because she got clients. But the Snake proved she couldn’t keep them. I gave her more than the month she gave herself. I had never heard of her until the Snake brought her up in New York, but what I learned about Vanessa through my own investigation was . . . troubling.”
“You surely like using a lot of words and making yourself sound important, Oran. Now, the concise version, please?” Smirking softly, I rubbed my jaw with the back of my knuckles, and Dr. Laura tilted her head at me. “Please.”
“I decided to fire Vanessa on the recommendation, despite having never met her, yes. I do not regret it. However, Ididcompensate Esmarissa for backing up her report. She was allowed to keep the clients she’d stolen, of course.” The good doctor shot me the most unamused look, and I pursed my lips thinly as I crossed my knees. “I despised Vanessa, so I got rid of her in a way I could back up.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere, Oran. Why did you feel the need to justify your decision to kill her? Was it because, maybe, you didn’t want Vanessa’s blood on your hands due to your own negligence?” Inhaling deeply at that, I clenched my jaw at the searching spark in her gaze, and her eyes narrowed. “Do you feel she doesn’t deserve your hands? Do you notwanther blood on you?”
“Kara . . . ” A dry laugh breached my throat as it tightened, and I ducked my head in a nod. “No, I have her blood. I wouldn’t want to do her a second disservice by dirtying it with that piglet.”
“Most people want to absolve themselves of that guilt, but not you. You’ve said that several times, Oran, that you own the events that led you to strangle Kara, Erin, and Emily. Do you consider having irrefutable justification for your actions as your way of making it up to them? That you’re . . . more considerate of opinionbecauseof them?” Did I consider it my way of making it up to them?Irrefutably.Nodding firmly, I rubbed my chin and jaw in agitation, and Laura smiled politely. “Have you spoken to Carlyle since the incident?”
“No. I’m sure he’s heard about me, and I have heard about him, but we haven’t directly talked. I left because I spent my entire life thinking I was just as good, if not better, than Carlyle, and I was faced with the reality that I’m not. I spent my life sucking up to my father to get under Carlyle’s fingernails as deeply as I could, looking for some opening that wasn’t there. When I came to Seattle, it was to . . . to grieve, but also to find out if I’m not God’s gift, then what am I?”
“What do you think you are, Oran?” That was a question I couldn’t quite find the answer to yet, and I tilted my head in denial. “Do you consider yourself nothing at all? Following Kara’s death, specifically, do you feel like when you lost her, you lost yourself?”
“Not entirely. At least, I don’t believe so. Some restructuring was needed, and for that to happen, I needed space. Literally and figuratively.” Clicking my teeth behind my thinned lips, I frowned as I turned my gaze to the carpet under. I’d moved to Seattle for a million reasons, and then found many more to stay. “I think I’m not the man I was last year. I’m not a glorified secretary for my father. Carlyle was nice enough to appoint regional control to me, and I’m really starting to take pride in what I’m accomplishing. The thing about it is, admittedly, I don’t have much of a social life outside my office.”
“You’ve never had much of a social life, Oran. Have you ever considered trying to make friends?” A guffaw escaped me at how juvenile that question sounded, but Dr. Laura had a point, as always. I’d spent a majority of my time at work, building, getting comfortable, and I rubbed my jaw absently. “Maybe spend some time outside the office. Other people are never going to fill the void Kara left in you, Oran, but it does help dull the pain.”
Humming deep in my chest, I opened my mouth only to get cut off by a trill from the landline, and Dr. Laura held up a hand with an apologetic smile. Honestly, I was thankful for the break, and I checked my watch as she answered.
“Natasha, hello. Can I call you back in about . . . what? Congratulations! I’m actually with a client right now, but if you wouldn’t mind getting back to me in . . . okay. Thank you, and congratulations again. Okay, bye.” My interest was thoroughly peaked at that small conversation, and Dr. Laura hung up to sit back in her office chair and sigh. “Now, where were we, Oran?”
“We’re out of time, unfortunately. How’s Natasha?” Dr. Laura pulled a face, and I arched a brow curiously as she silently decided how much to tell me. “I know more than enough about her situation already, Laura.”
“She’s making progress. Not great strides, but . . . she and Erik were married this morning in Vegas.” My brows shot up, a bark of disbelief escaping me, and Laura smiled as she sat up to smooth her pencil skirt. “I’m not one to gossip, but I truly don’t understand how a man can be so devoted and in love to a woman who will probably never be capable of physically culminating that love. Natasha is happy— doubtful, of course, but happy.”
“You know, Doctor, I think it’s nice.” Standing up as Dr. Laura shot me a bewildered look, I rolled up my sleeves and pushed my glasses up my nose just for some time to organize my thoughts. “There’s no manufacturing that kind of trust and devotion. I should know— I tried.”
“Before you leave, Oran, I have a question for you. Why, at the beginning of your relationships with Kara and the others, the many, many others, did you attempt to manufacture the relationship in the first place instead of letting things progress in whichever way they would?”
“That’s easy.” Rounding the sofa, I gripped the doorknob before turning to catch Dr. Laura’s eye. “I was afraid things would progress in a way I didn’t like. I wanted to control it. Now, in hindsight, maybe because I felt so inadequate.”
“You’ve been coming to see me twice a week for almost six months, Oran, and I don’t think I have ever heard you say the wordmaybe.” Pursing my lips thinly, I didn’t have a reply to that, so I pulled open the door to step out of Dr. Laura’s office. Quietly closing the barrier behind me, I took a short, sharp breath and held it for a long moment.
There really was no ‘maybe’ about it. Ididfeel inadequate, and I took that insecurity out on my girls. I tried to overcome it by being what essentially amounted to a controlling dick, and now . . . they’re dead.
They’re dead, and it was totally preventable. And totally, my fault.
Fishing my phone out of my pocket, I dialed Malory’s number as I headed out of the lobby, and she answered almost immediately. Her chipper tone grated my ears, and I stepped onto the sidewalk to glance wearily at the car waiting for me on the curb.
“Did you receive a report concerning Hanford yet?” Gesturing the car away, I started walking out of the professional complex and tilted my head back to stare at the sky. The dry ocean so far above me was cloudless and soft, and a slight breeze cooled my face. Taking off my glasses to stick them in my shirt pocket, I ran my free hand through my hair, and the blur of the world around me was almost like a painting.
“Yes, sir. The meeting did not go well. Apparently, Hanford kept circling back about construction materials and trying to exaggerate prices. The developer I assigned to the project made a note here that she’s not optimistic.” That wasn’t surprising in the least. I rubbed the back of my neck and rolled my shoulders as I closed my eyes and took a huge breath. Reaching the busy roadside, I ignored the cars that zoomed by as I debated how best to go about this.
Hanford was a smallish company that built residentials, and that was why I contracted with them. They were a local business that’d feed back into the local economy, but I never, not in my wildest dreams, thought the owner was going to be such a greedy fucking pig.
“What’s the developer’s name you assigned?” I could hear her fingers tapping her keyboard, an abrasiveclack-clack-clack,and I paused my journey at a crosswalk leading to a small gas station.
“Her name’s Lilly Everton. She’d partnered with the analyst on the project a few times and come out successful. I may have cheated a little. She’s not a senior developer, but she’s got a better turnaround, even though they’re smaller projects.”
“Let Lilly Everton know she’s keeping the next appointment, and if she feels strongly enough, she has the authorization to cancel the contract for cause. Also, she can start researching other firms in preparation for this. A third thing, Malory . . . ” Pausing to punch the button on the pole, I stuck my free hand in my pants pocket as expectant silence buzzed through the line. “Get me her portfolio. You mentioned she’s got a good turn out?”
“Ah, yes, sir, yes, sir, and yes, sir. She’s been at the development firm for just over six years, came in right out of college, and has been a junior developer. Now, I’m not saying office gossip is always correct, but according to the people on the twenty-ninth floor where she works, her supervisor has a tendency to . . . exaggerate his role in the projects. I compared the numerous projects they’d worked on together or as a team, and it seems to support this theory. All developers have their unique quirks.” Frowning under furrowed brows as I waited for the light to turn for me, I rocked back on my heels as Malory paused to breathe. “Regardless of the rumor mill, her work is impressive. I was up last night looking at her architectural plans and organizational abilities, and she seemed the most likely to either strike some sort of deal with Hanford or have a good relationship with a different construction company. Everyone who’s dealt with her has requested her again if given a chance.”
“You’re very diligent, Malory. Fine. Give her full authority over the budget-buildings. The only thing I want on my desk is the final plans and contract. If anything concerning comes up, contact me.” We hung up, and I briefly wondered how to go about this situation as the little green man popped up on the sign across the street. “I need a day off. Maybe I really should get a dog and not just lie about it.”
