“It’s nothing, Marianna. You need to get some rest, as you’ve pointed out. It’s best we leave things here and pick up in the morning, shall we?” he asked, trying to avoid the question, but I wasn’t going to let him get away this time.
“No, there certainly is something that’s wrong, and you’ve been pretty honest today about everything you’ve experienced from the time you were still living at home, so whatever is bothering you can’t have anything to do with that,” I pointed out, and he shook his head, like he’d rather talk about anything than have the conversation that was already playing out in his mind.
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. Look, Rurik. You’ve done everything you can to help me, and I truly don’t deserve it. I don’t care if you saw me as your scapegoat in the beginning, because now we’re all equally involved in this, and I don’t want you to forget that. I want to be rid of them just as much as you do,” I explained, and he looked up at me like he was talking to a complete stranger.
“I’m just afraid.”
“What could you possibly be afraid of?” I asked him, genuinely curious about what would warrant such a response from him.
“I’m afraid that you’re going down a path that’s going to destroy you, Marianna. I saw how you were back there, and for a moment it was like I was looking in the mirror. I’d never seen so much of myself in anyone, and it reminded me of how much time I’d lost being held captive by the Andreyev Family having to do whatever they asked,” he explained, and I felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach at the realization that he was more worried about me than what we were about to face when things finally did go down.
“Rurik, you don’t have to worry about me. We’re both dealing with a lot, and I have to figure out what part of myself is really taking precedence here. I know you’re worried that I’m going to break, that this is all going to be too much for me, but I’m doing alright,” I explained.
“You’re much calmer than I expected you’d be. You handled yourself back there like I’d never seen anyone do before. I just want you to know that you don’t have to choose this life. No one is forcing you to take part in this. Once we take care of the Andreyevs and we get your friend back, you’ll be free to make your own choices, and I don’t want you to feel like you have to be a part of this world if you don’t want to,” he explained, looking down at the floor, like it pained him to say that. I reached out to caress his cheek, running my fingertips along his stubble while he stared deep into my eyes.
“Today was the first day I really felt like I belonged somewhere, Rurik. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can safely say that I can’t go on with my life after this is all over and just pretend like it didn’t happen. I don’t know how to explain the way I feel, how to process all that we’ve dealt with over the last few days, but if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I’m not giving up anything by coming into my own. I’ve never felt more like myself, and it’s truly the first time I’ve ever felt this alive. I’m not losing that, and I don’t want you to worry about me, okay?” I confessed, and he started to loosen up, the tension leaving his shoulders as he accepted what I had to say.
I didn’t know if it was because he’d put so much of his life on the line to protect me, or if it was because he’d shown a true interest in making sure that no harm ever comes my way, but I was starting to feel connected to him in a way that I’d never felt before. I wondered if it was just infatuation, if it was just the allure of a little danger, but even then I knew it was more than that. I wanted to explore, I wanted to see just what this life had to offer, and I wasn’t going to let the Andreyev Family or anyone else take that away from me. It was finally time I started calling the shots for a change, and show the world that I too had more to offer.I never thought that I would end up here, sitting next to a man that has brought out parts of myself that even I don’t recognize, but I want to see what I’m truly capable of, and I’m not going to apologize for that. It’s time I finally let go, and enjoy the little things, because there’s no telling what kind of danger is awaiting us right around the corner. That’s tomorrow’s problem. Right now, there’s only one place I want to be.
Rurik’s eyes never left mine, and I leaned in, glancing down at his lips, feeling them press into mine. I felt the spark erupt through me, and I knew that it wasn’t just the adrenaline before, it was something new, something different, and I wanted more.
