The sensible side to her brain reminded her that they were only friends. Of course she would be glad that he was unharmed. It was nothing more than that. The pounding of her heart was no more than fear over what had happened.
She took several deep, slow breaths. After all the mistakes she’d made, she had no right to believe she could start again. Her choices had been flawed, and she’d paid the consequences tenfold.
But she had a beautiful son. A child who had utterly captured her heart, whom she loved more than life itself. He had a new family, parents who would give him a title and wealth. He would have everything he ever wanted.
Everything except his true mother.
There was a hole in her heart now, with the realization that Matthew could never know the truth about who his mother was. And because of the difficult birth, another baby would surely kill her. Not only had she bled badly, but she’d nearly died of a fever afterward. The midwife had advised her to never try again.
Which meant that, even if she wanted to, she could not share a man’s bed for fear of becoming pregnant. In so many ways, it was a relief. She had no wish to ever be touched in that way, and she had a strong reason for it—it would risk her life.
It was easy to ignore the advances of strangers, and those of wealthy, titled men. But pushing away the man who had once been her best friend was another matter entirely. The frozen walls of her heart had to hold strong, especially now.
Seeing Paul again after so long was breaking her apart. She could never tell him the truth of what had happened. He needed to leave her be, to find another woman to be his wife. Someone who could give him the children he wanted and the life he deserved.
It was better for both of them.
Chapter Two
When they reached Eiloch Hill, Juliette walked as if in a blur. The Duke of Worthingstone had acquired a modest staff for the house, and she found herself welcomed into a room she would share with Amelia. Their housekeeper, Mrs. Larson, had accompanied them, and the matron worked alongside His Grace’s servants to ensure that they had every comfort possible, though most of their clothes had been burned in the fire.
When Mrs. Larson offered to unlace her stays, Juliette refused. “In a little while.” After all that had happened, she needed a few moments to clear her head. She doubted if she would sleep at all. A chill spiraled down her spine at the memory of the fire, the flames destroying everything. She was afraid of closing her eyes, of reliving the memories.
“Ye’ll be more comfortable,” the housekeeper insisted. “And look at your sister. The wee lass is already sleeping.”
Though she would hardly consider Amelia a wee lass, Juliette was thankful that at least one of her sisters would find rest tonight.
“I’ll come and fetch you when I want to be undressed,” she told Mrs. Larson. “No more than an hour, I promise.”
The housekeeper’s gaze narrowed. “Ye’re wanting to see him again, am I right? The handsome Dr. Fraser.”
“No,” she blurted out, startled that Mrs. Larson would think that. Her heart stammered at the thought of it. “I—I mean, he—”
Mrs. Larson crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. “Ye can hem and haw all ye like, Miss Juliette. But we both ken that Dr. Fraser would hurl himself off a mountain if ye asked him to.”
“I would never ask him to do anything for me,” she said. “We’re not suited at all.”
Despite Juliette’s protests, the housekeeper shook her head. “Give the lad a chance. He may not have a noble title, but he’s got a good heart.”
A title had nothing to do with her reluctance, Juliette thought.
“And he loves ye,” Mrs. Larson added. “That’s worth something, isn’t it?”
“He doesn’t,” Juliette insisted. “He couldn’t. We’re only friends.” She had to believe that. His letters had been filled with stories and funny moments during his medical studies. She would not remember the words of affection he’d written, nor the promise that one day he wanted to marry her. Friendship was all they’d ever have.
But even so, she remembered the feeling of Paul’s hands upon her shoulders and the look of interest in his eyes. She’d lost herself for a moment, his gaze pushing back the years to the girl she had been.
“If ye say so.” Mrs. Larson appeared unconvinced. “But ye did catch yer sister’s bonnet. All of us ken that ye’ll be the next to wed. Whether it’s Dr. Fraser or a nobleman your mother chooses, none can say.”
“No, I won’t be.” She didn’t care what their ridiculous superstitions were. She refused to ever marry and would let no one talk her into it.
“There’s a wager among the MacKinlochs. By next summer, Dr. Fraser will be yer husband. That may well be true.” The smug look on the housekeeper’s face was enough to push Juliette’s temper over the edge.
Had Paul said something to the crofters or boasted about them? He should know better than to do such a thing.
“Perhaps ye should speak with him,” Mrs. Larson suggested. “He’s outside now, talking with Mr. MacKinloch.”
Her first instinct was to refuse. Yet… what if hehadsaid something to the others? She’d thought she’d made herself clear the last time, but perhaps it was time to put any thoughts of marriage firmly out of Paul Fraser’s head.
