There was no maid to chaperone them, revealing just how agitated Juliette was over what had happened to her sister. They were alone inside the landau, and he was grateful for the few private moments.
“I’ll tend to Margaret, and she’ll be hale again,” he promised. “You needn’t worry.”
She nodded, but her tension wasn’t diminished by the words. Paul reached out to take her gloved hand, hoping the gesture would reassure her.
Juliette squeezed it tightly between both of her palms, staring outside. “I know I shouldn’t have come by myself. But you’re the doctor I trust the most. I didn’t stop to think.”
It was clear that she would relax only when her sister was better. She didn’t let go of his hand, and the longer she held it, the more Paul felt the need to say something. “Do you regret the night I kissed you in the garden?”
She didn’t meet his gaze. “Sometimes.”
Unfortunately, it was the answer he’d anticipated. Although he knew he was at fault for pushing her, the past two months had been filled with contradictions. One moment she shied away from him, and the next, he caught her staring at him across the ballroom. She would accept a dance with him, only to hide amid her chaperones afterward. He was weary of these games, angry at himself for being impatient, and yet he knew why she was reluctant to be courted.
Glancing outside, he saw that there were only a few minutes remaining before they arrived at Lady Arnsbury’s town house. He had to speak now, while the chance was there.
“I’ve a question for you, Miss Andrews.” He kept his tone formal, giving her every opportunity to say no.
She nodded. “Go on, then.”
“Are you wanting me to go back to Ballaloch and leave you be?” He released her hands, prepared to let her go. “Or would you rather I stayed?” He met her gaze squarely, steeling himself for the answer.
“It’s your choice whether you want to stay or go.” She was twisting her hands again, trying to sound as if it didn’t matter.
“But what is ityouwant?” He leaned forward, and the air within the carriage was charged with anticipation. For a moment, Juliette held her breath, locking eyes with his. Regret passed over her face, along with a trace of longing.
It was the longing that seized him by the throat and gave him hope.
“What I want and what I can have are two different things,” she whispered. She reached out and touched his cheek. “I want you to be with a woman who will make you happy.”
You would make me happy,he wanted to say. He covered her hand with his, leaning in to touch her forehead.
“Someone who will make you smile,” she continued softly. “Someone who will love you.”
“The way you can’t?” He gripped her hand and pulled it away from his cheek.
“I never said that.” Her voice was so soft, it was barely nudging a breath of air. And yet, those four words sank into his heart. “Perhaps I care enough to let you go.”
“Or you’re too afraid to break free of your fear,” he said. “Perhaps you’re afraid of being happy again. As if you don’t deserve to be.”
Her face colored with embarrassment, and he knew his supposition had struck true. She was living with a guilt so great, it threatened to break her. She was hiding behind her family, going through the motions of life… but not truly living. She had to learn that one night of violence was not a cloak of shame.
“I came to this city for you,” he said quietly. “Because you said this was where you wanted to be.”
“You don’t belong here,” she whispered. “I can see that you’re unhappy.”
“Aye. But it’s where you are.”
Her eyes flickered to the doorway. “We should go. My sister will need you.”
“And what about you?” The words came out before he could stop them.
Juliette’s eyes welled up. “I don’t know, Paul.” A tear broke free, and she admitted, “Do you want me to tell you that you mean nothing to me? It would be a lie. Shall I tell you to go back and wed someone else, while I pretend to be happy for you? That would be a lie, too.”
She wrenched open the door. “There’s nothing I can say except that I hold so many regrets in my heart, I’m drowning in them.” With that, she stepped out of the carriage, leaving him to wonder what to do or say now.
Chapter Eight
When they arrived at Lady Arnsbury’s house, Juliette led Paul up to her sister’s room. She opened the door and said to her aunt, “I’ve brought Dr. Fraser to look at Margaret.”
