She groaned at the thought. “That’s terrible.”
“Aye.” His wicked smile warmed her, and she couldn’t resist one of her own. He tucked her arm in his as they kept walking, and his face softened for the barest moment. She found herself nervous beneath his gaze. “I havena seen you smile in a long time.”
The way he was looking at her now spoke of a man who didn’t plan to remain only friends. Though he didn’t touch her at all, he rested one hand upon a thin birch, his body leaning close to hers. Fear bolted up inside her as the bad memories came roaring back.
“I shouldn’t be out walking with you.” She adjusted the squirming kitten in her arms and started to turn away.
“Wait,” he said. His voice held the commanding air of a man who did not intend to let her go. Then he paused and added, “Please.”
He didn’t understand. He seemed to believe that if he kept pursuing her, eventually she would weaken. Before she could say no, he continued. “I didna ask you here to make you feel cornered, Juliette. But there are things that I would say to you, before you leave Scotland.”
She didn’t want to hear any of it. Already, her skin was prickling with the knowledge that he cared for her. He wanted her, and she had nothing left to give him.
“I wish you’d stay,” he said simply.
“I can’t,” she insisted. Though she’d returned for her sister’s wedding, she needed to be back in London with her son. She could think of no greater joy than to watch Matthew grow up before her eyes. If it were possible, she’d have been his nursemaid. But then, ladies were not supposed to become servants.
The kitten had sunk its claws into her sleeve, and she gently pried it away. “You really should take the kitten back, Dr. Fraser. We don’t have a home now, and I shouldn’t keep him.”
“An animal doesna care where you live, so long as he’s loved.” Paul reached over to ruffle the kitten’s ears and took him from her.
“It would be too difficult right now,” she admitted. And every time she saw the animal, she would think of Paul.
“He wants naught but to be close to you,” Paul said, his dark blue eyes staring at her. “To sleep beside you and have you look upon him with a smile.”
Blood rushed to her face, for she suspected he was no longer talking about the kitten. Before she could find the words to tell him no, he cut her off. “I remember what you said to me last night in the barn. But I also remember that we were friends once. And I’m no’ wanting to lose that.” His eyes locked with hers. He’d shielded all emotion from his gaze, watching her with a patience she didn’t understand.
“Why?” Her palm clenched and unclenched, so afraid of what he was asking.
“Because you’re worth waiting for.”
The words were like salt against her wounded heart. If he knew anything about her past, he would never say such words. “I need to be back in London,” she reminded him. “And I don’t know if I’ll ever return.”
Paul’s expression sobered. Then his eyes held a sudden knowledge that struck her hard. “You’re running away.”
“N-no. I like it in London. I lived there for most of my girlhood.”
He studied her for a long moment, as if he didn’t believe her. “And that’s where you would be happiest?”
She gave a nod without any hesitation at all. Though it wasn’t the place that drew her there. It was the sweet angel whose laugh had brightened her heart. And because there, she was safe from harm. “I don’t suppose I’ll see you again, will I?”
He gave the kitten back to her. “Are you wanting to?”
Color suffused her face, and she turned her gaze downward to avoid looking at him. If she let him see her eyes, he’d know the truth—that the loss of his friendship wasn’t at all what she wanted. But there was no choice, was there?
“Be safe,” she said quietly. She had no right to lower the walls around her heart, not when she was incapable of making him happy. It would only hurt both of them.
A thread of anger knotted inside her until she couldn’t help but stare into his dark blue eyes. It wasn’t fair. She wanted to go back to the beginning, to be the girl she’d once been. She wanted to be honest with Paul and confess what had happened, feeling the sanctuary of his arms around her.
But admitting the truth would change nothing. She could not let him love her, nor risk her own heart. She held on to the kitten with one hand, forcing back the urge and strengthening her resolve to say nothing. No, he wouldn’t understand.
She took a deep breath and bared one truth to him. “I will miss you when I go.” Before she could lose her nerve, she reached out and touched his roughened cheek.
Paul stared at the snowdrifts for a long time, his mind in turmoil. Juliette wanted to return to London. The thought of living in the crowded streets was not something he relished. He’d accepted the necessity of living in Edinburgh during his medical studies, but he’d ached for his beloved Highlands.
Here was where he belonged. Here, he was among his family and friends, and they needed him. So many had suffered from the evictions. Aside from his mother, the clan’s midwife and healer, Paul was the only man with medical knowledge to help them. Left with naught but superstitions and remedies passed on by their grandmothers, the crofters often did more harm to the wounded folk than good.
A part of him believed that if he’d known how to stop the bleeding on the night of the raid, he might have saved Malcolm and the factor.
