He licks his lips. “Tell me how else things could work? When you start screaming and throwing things, I’m supposed to stand there and take it? Not gonna happen, baby.”
“Not throwing things…I know that’s going too far. But if I’m upset and get animated, it doesn’t always have to end in a caning! It was happening too often.”
“And that’s my fault? You were the one who let frustration get the best of you on the regular.”
“I want you to reset things.”
“I tried telling you to calm down. I don’t recall that ever working.”
He’s right. At the end, I was terrible at managing my escalating emotions, but I think I’ve gotten a better handle on processing my feelings now.
“You could just say you can’t talk to me when I’m so upset and then walk away. Sometimes when I was angry, you just stared at me like I was being ridiculous, and that was so infuriating. It made it harder to calm down, especially when I felt strongly that I had a right to be frustrated. Why should I think it’s okay that Sasha and Trick love their girlfriends more than you love me? You even made me help Trick get Laurelyn on board with C Crue’s wild ways because he wanted to marry her. How was that fair to me when you knew I was hurt by your telling me I wasn’t ready for marriage myself?”
“I figured as my girlfriend, Trick’s friend, and the C Crue queen bee, you should help when we needed it. Obviously, a mistake. It won’t happen again.”
“That’s not what I mean!”
“Zoe,” he says in a warning tone.
I ball my fists, forcing myself to take deep breaths and count silently to five. When I speak again, I lower my voice. “I want to help you and our friends when things come up. But you didn’t ask for my help. You put me in that position without asking, and when I tried to show you how upset I was, you acted like I’d just have to get over it. That is not fair. You have to be willing to meet me halfway.”
“I do? What are you trying to tell me? That if I don’t propose, we’re not getting back to normal?”
“No,” I say, frowning. “That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m just telling you that if my feelings are hurt, I have a right to express that without having to worry about the cane being pulled out because I’m being extra when I’m so upset.”
He frowns and rubs the back of his neck. “Baby, I love you. The last thing I ever want to do is add pain on top of suffering. But you were a lot to handle some days at the end. To me, it started to feel like you were just throwing tantrums because I wouldn’t cave in. I legit believed we were not ready to get married. I’m not interested in racing down the aisle to keep up with Trick and Anvil. Their lives would not make me happy. And you’re just starting out. I’m proud as hell of what you’ve accomplished so far. I think if you made choices that derailed your ambitious plans for yourself, you’d regret it later. Marriage isn’t always all it’s cut out to be. ‘Vil and Trick did not know what they were getting into. It seems to be working out for them, and I hope it does, but do I think they really know what they’re doing? Hell no. Anvil was raised by an alcoholic single mother. And all Trick’s got is a kid’s view of his parents’ marriage, which even he knows wasn’t ideal in plenty of ways.”
I sit down, facing him. I really like hearing he’s proud of me, and that he thinks my career is going places, but I’m surprised he’s so negative about marriage in general. He kept saying I was too young, which I took personally, since Rachel is just as young and she’s married already. C never said he thought she was too young to marry Sasha, but now I realize that may have been because he didn’t feel like it was any of his business to say so.
“C, what did you think I wanted our marriage to be like? I wasn’t planning on having kids right away. Like you, I wonder how having them so fast is going to work out for our friends. They seem really happy about it so far, but I already know Rachel’s working harder than me to juggle things. Anvil loves Irina, but he definitely isn’t the one taking care of her most of thetime. That’s on Rachel, for sure. Though he is very supportive of her career. They’re making it work, and both of them are so happy. I’m surprised you don’t expect things to work out long-term.”
“Things change. And that’s not just because of kids, though kids are definitely the biggest game-changer. What I’m saying is that marriage changes things for everyone. It can ruin a good thing. I’ve known people who regretted getting married. I’m not the same guy I was at twenty-two. Why would I expect you to be the same person a decade from now? Things between us are great, but it’s still early days. That doesn’t mean I’m not invested. It pisses me off to hear you say you think the reason I’m not ready to marry you is because I don’t love you enough. That’s such bullshit, Z. How can you say that?”
I take his hand and hold it between mine. “I’m sorry. I know you love me. It was just that Sasha and Rachel got together after us and so did Trick and Laurelyn. You’re just as decisive as Anvil or Trick, so it felt like if you were holding back on taking our relationship to the next level, it was because you didn’t want me for the long-term.”
“Baby,” he says, shaking his head. “That’s not true. I want us to last.” He presses his lips together, then blows out a breath. “My mom regretted getting married as young as she did. I heard her say it more than once. But by the time she wanted to leave, she knew too much about my dad’s business. He basically said the only way she was leaving the marriage was if she died.”
I grimace. “God, that’s awful.”
“Yeah, fucking miserable, and not just for her. That’s the reason I don’t tell you details about my work and why I promised you could leave if you want to. Though maybe that last promise was a mistake. Let’s just say, you used up your right to leave over an existential crisis. From now on, if you don’t know what you want out of life, you’ll have to sort that out in your freetime while you’re living here. Plenty of inmates find religion and get jailhouse law degrees. A change of mindset doesn’t require a change of address.”
I laugh. “That you liken my circumstances to jail is telling, C.”
He smirks.
“Thank you for talking to me about this. It’s made me feel better.”
“I can’t see why doom and gloom feels better.”
“It helps to know that you have reservations about the institution of marriage, not about me personally. And your concerns make sense. You’re right that my life is going to change a lot. It already has. That doesn’t mean our feelings for each other will change, too. I don’t think they’ll change so much that we won’t want to be together, but if that’s what you think, we’ll have to wait and see.” I kiss his hand.
We hear the front door open and Trick and Anvil’s voices as they enter.
“The guys are here,” I say. “So now that we’ve talked and see eye-to-eye on things, is it okay with you if I go over to Rachel’s?”
“No.” His hand cups the side of my face, and he gives me a kiss. “I told you what to do.”
“You didn’t like the house empty, did you?”
