He’s solid and soothing, and I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up with the blankets tangled around our ankles.
There has to be some way I can keep this. I’ve found that life is nothing but shades of gray, and I refuse to believe that my only options are to choose Everett or my work. I can probably manage something long distance, or maybe I can see about working remotely sometimes. I don’t know if my boss would go for it, and I still wouldn’t be able to take on the account he offered me, but it would be something. It would be the start of a compromise.
That’s better than nothing.
It’s probably just wishful thinking, actually. I’d have to explain why I want to change my work style, and my boss would be furious if he found out about me and Everett.
Which means that if I want to stay here, I’d have to find another job. I’d be back at square one, and I’d still be caught up in Jenny’s discomfort over my relationship with her father. A few weeks ago, I’d have found the suggestion laughable, but now I just want any excuse to stay near Everett.
I wish I could put it into words, properly tell him just how much he means to me, but I’m not that good with words. I can talk people into things without a problem, but when it comes to explaining how I feel, I can never seem to find the right thing to say. My brief foray into therapy ended rather abruptly because I couldn’t even explain what I was having so much trouble with.
I don’t expect him to be the first to break the silence, but he leans back and stills his hands on my thighs before speaking.
“You’re right,” he admits, a sigh on his breath. “I can’t give any of this up. So what happens on the ranch now? Where do we go from here?”
I shift in his lap, trusting him to keep me steady as I find a more comfortable position. I’m astride him on the low bench in the storage shed, which probably isn’t the best place to discuss either work or our relationship.
I decide to focus on what I have an answer for.
“We get in talks with people who need suppliers,” I say, not quite meeting his eyes. “Duffy Jr. is still interested in meeting, and there’s a larger company closer to town that I’m waiting on a response from.”
He gives me a pointed look at my obvious avoidance of talking aboutus, but doesn’t push it. Work I can do. I have solid plans that can be acted on when it comes to my job. My own emotions, though? That’s a minefield that I have no idea how to traverse.
“Alright, so we go talk to people. I won’t make any promises about the outcomes, but I’m willing to listen.”
A willingness to try is the only thing I’ve been trying to wrench out of him this whole time. It’s a bittersweet victory.
If I manage to save the ranch from the brink of death, of course, that’ll really mean all of this is over. I’ll go back to the office. I’ll have passed up on a huge contract, and I’ll sit in mylonely apartment and go through the motions. I wonder how long it’ll be before I stop missing Everett.
I wonder if that’s even possible.
“Thank you.” I hope my voice isn’t shaking. “I, um, I guess I’ll go get everything together and get in touch with some people.”
Everett lets me slide off his lap, but he grasps my wrists before I can step back. His hold is loose, something I could shake out of easily, but I have no desire to. I want to keep his touch on my skin for as long as I can manage, and I don’t care if that makes me greedy.
“Can I ask you something?”
His eyes are steady on mine, and I feel nerves flutter in my stomach, but I nod anyway.
“What do you want, Mary?”
The question is simple. It’s sosimple, but it hits me like a ton of bricks straight to the chest.
What do I want? Everything. I want to save the ranch, and I want to keep standing in front of Everett just like this until the sun explodes, and I want to take the contract my boss offered. There’s not a single thing in my head that Idon’twant, and that’s the problem.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
I know exactly what he means, but I need a moment to think. He looks like he knows, but he humors me anyway.
“With me,” he clarifies. “With us. Are you still planning on going back to the city after?”
Are you going to leave me?
I hear the words as clearly as if he’d said them aloud, and my chest aches at the very thought. I wish I could tell him what he wants to hear, but I can’t bear the thought of being anything less than honest with him. He deserves better than that.
“I…” I trail off, casting my eyes around the dim light of the shed. “I don’t know.”
It feels like a failure to admit, but it’s the only truth I have to offer.
