My voice trembles.
"It wasn’t the first time?"
"No."
Suddenly I remember my dad’s words, and I whisper,
"Is that why you never wanted us, you and me…?"
Bay nods.
"And what omega would even want an alpha like that? After something like this."
My head is almost bursting from the surge of emotions. I lock my blazing stare on him.
"The fuck?! What are you even saying?! That’s a harmful, damaging stereotype! This can happen to anyone, and it doesn’t take anything away from them!"
Bay presses his lips together.
"It has nothing to do with whether you’re an alpha or not! You’re born an alpha, and you grow into it over your life! Trauma doesn’t take away your gender or the worth that comes with it!"
That’s exactly when the first students walk into the classroom, and I shoot to my feet and hurry back to my seat, wiping my cheeks.
But I have to take another dose from my inhaler, the tension buzzing through me.
My head is buzzing; I’m crushed… I can’t wrap my mind around any of it, and yet at the same time the entire last year finally falls into place, Bay’s behavior, his reluctance toward physical touch, his slow, cautious steps toward trusting me and letting himself grow close to me…
And suddenly I remember that Halloween kiss.
Wow, was he slowly preparing himself to take that next step, for us… him and me…?
And now everything has reset!
I can barely focus for the entire lesson, and more than once I have to use my inhaler just to be able to breathe. Dereck, Zion, and Kaen, who sit closest to me, glance over every time I take another deep inhale, fighting for each breath.
I know what I have to tell him, I know what I need to assure him of. He has to know who he is to me, what will never change no matter the circumstances of his life.
When the break finally comes the classroom is still full of kids, so I can’t talk to Bay, but I text him instead,
"Bay, I want you to know that none of this changes anything for me, I love you and I want to be your friend if I cannot be your boyfriend, but please, I’m begging you, don’t pull away from me, you are everything to me. Everything. The most wonderful person in my world. You’re my angel, my Bay!"
I see Bay read the message, look at me, and then type something back.
"Thank you, Alex, for those words, and I don’t want to lose you as a friend, I just need some time to pull myself together, and I don’t want to talk about it, let’s just leave it behind us for now."
It sounds so… curt. Shutting me down. But I cannot stop myself from asking the question.
"What about the Hansons? What if they show up again?"
"For now let’s leave that topic alone, but we will come back to it."
I want so badly to ask him… everything, to comfort him somehow, to thank him again, twice, a hundred times, to never stop thanking him, but the scale of his sacrifice is so big to put into words, because what do you say to someone who took on the suffering meant for you?
How can you repay that?
How do you truly honor it?
So I decide to simply be there, to stand by his side and refuse to be pushed away, to stay close and give him strength and support, to make sure he does not forget about the small everyday things, about his music, about school, to help life wrap around him again, because I know he feels cast out of it now, betrayed, broken twice over.
