My hands are damp with sweat, and my heart beats against my ribs like a war drum.
A total failure.
A sob escapes my chest as I ride the elevator down. Some people riding with me glance at me with amusement.
Why does Fate hate me so much? Why is my life one long chain of failures, mistakes, and miserable events?
I do not understand it.
What did I do to deserve this?
???
I return home feeling awful, sick to my stomach, as if something hollow is swallowing me from the inside, and my life has no purpose, only a miserable day-to-day existence without any direction.
Is Bay right?
Should I try to find someone I might be able to like, maybe even love one day?
I lie down on my bed, curl up, close my eyes, and drift into dreams.
I remember a certain morning from when I was already living in Bay’s mobile house. I woke up and found him in the kitchen, trying to make breakfast for me. He wasn’t very good at it, but he was so determined. Not wanting to ruin the surprise, I slipped back into bed and pretended to be asleep.
After a while he came into the room and set the tray down beside me, but he didn’t wake me. The room went quiet and I had no idea what he was doing. I kept my breathing steady so he’d think I was still asleep, even though I was dying to know what Bay was up to.
Then I heard something soft. A whisper. It took me a second to understand it was a prayer. He never seemed particularly religious, but there he was, murmuring under his breath.
"Dear Fate, please always watch over Alex. Please help me become the person he needs. Please show me how to be the best partner I can be for him. Protect him and give him health and happiness…"
I lay there stunned and deeply moved, and I couldn’t pretend anymore. I opened my eyes and saw him kneeling next to the bed with his eyes closed and his hands clasped together. My heart squeezed painfully at the sight, and my eyes went wet.
I remember the way his face looked when he realized I was awake. His cheeks flushed, a little embarrassed, that apologetic look he got when he felt he’d let himself be too vulnerable and I had seen it…
The memory hits me now so hard my breath slips in my chest and I have to reach for my inhaler again, my eyes burning.
My sweet, good boy… In the end, it was all for nothing. We shared such a beautiful love, but it’s gone now.
"I lost you, Bay… I failed us. And Fate has turned their back on us too. The prayer didn’t work. This fucker doesn’t care about us…"
The emotions get too heavy, and I fall straight into nothingness.
???
The next morning I am supposed to go to work again, so I wake up, get dressed on autopilot, eat something without thinking, and head to the campus.
The same, persistent emptiness keeps echoing in my head, and I walk into the faculty room where the young assistants usually hang out, but at this hour no one is there because their classes start later; I sit alone, staring out the window.
And that thought comes back again, whispering that I should step out of this whole equation called life, that I should fade from it and finally be free of this wretched existence.
I slowly walk up to the window and look down, but it is too low; if I jumped from here I would probably only break my legs and I do not need that.
But maybe the main building would work. It has four floors, that should be enough.
Beep, beep, beep.
My phone starts buzzing.
I glance at the screen. An unknown number.
