My hands tremble. Something rises in me, but it isn’t anger this time.
"It’s been well over three years of mourning that relationship. You should start living, dating, hooking up. You’re still stuck in grief over losing him and he moved on."
"How do you know?!"
"You know I sometimes play with them. When they’ve got bigger events, they need a second bassist. You remember Cosmo? He used to be the lead vocalist in Franklin High before Bay edged him out. He’s in the backing vocals now, sings with Bay. I saw him during breaks, clinging to Bay, all over him. I’m sure there’s something going on, Bayreallymoved on. Understand?"
I feel like the ground drops out from under me. I’m shaking like I’ve got a fever.
"No. I don’t believe it…"
Dereck’s face looks strange, tense. Is he lying? His heart is racing, that’s a classic telltale sign.
His mouth is tight.
"You don’t have to believe me, I know what I saw," he says with a pout. "I saw them backstage. Cosmo was practically hanging off Bay, those puppy eyes and all that… You think he’s living in celibacy? He’s surrounded by horny fans!"
Yes, I remember Cosmo from high school perfectly. Cute guy, blond, good voice, kind of similar to me in the face. Is it even possible?
I squeeze my eyes shut. Panic… fear, chills.
"Get out, Dereck."
I’m not discussing Bay with him, and I sure as hell won’t talk about my feelings, because he’d just laugh, call them irrational, and maybe they are. Jealousy makes no sense when we haven’t been together in years.
"He won’t be yours! Bay’s not coming back! We could fuck, you and me, or I could just blow you, I would even settle for that…"
"Shut up!"
"You can also fuck me, I’m vers—"
"You’re not my type!"
I clench my fists. He shakes his head slowly, looking at me with a hint of sadness, as if I were a lost cause.
Maybe Dereck is right. I should move on. Though surely not with him.
But how to do it? How, when I still love Bay?
Dereck tilts his head. "Who is your type, Alex? Does he have to be a red-haired alpha built like a damn tower?"
"Get the fuck out!"
Finally, he gets up, but as he heads to the door, he mutters, "I really do like you. Shame." His tone is almost conciliatory.
I slam the door behind him with a loud, meaningful bang. Then I collapse onto the bed, flustered. Something hard presses into my side. I lift it up. It is Bay’s diary, still lying here, buried in the blankets. It is open to the entry about the first day after he asked me to be his boyfriend.
"When we got out of the car, I saw Dad watching us, following us with his radiant eyes. And for the first time, I reached for Alex’s hand. Mine was sweaty. I felt strange. We walked up to the stairs and immediately saw a group of kids from choir practice. Every single one of them stared at us. Alex was blushing, but he lifted his head proudly, his eyes shining with happiness, and my heart nearly took flight. Alex wasn’t ashamed of me. I wasn’t worthless trash to him. He walked down the hallway with his chin raised, his thin fingers tightly laced with mine. And again, something inside me was recovered. Something grew back, like a cut branch that blooms again when watered. Watered by Alex. I love him. I could tattoo it on my forehead!"
Reading line by line, I die a little inside. I lost that perfect love, and what do I have instead? A drunk beta loser trying to grope me without my consent.
I press my hands to my face, hating my life.
???
The next morning, at dawn, I head to the building where the campus security officers have their headquarters. I leave before Dereck wakes up, intentionally.
I’m unlucky because the head officer is out, and the two employees sitting there just shrug and tell me to come back when he returns.
