Still, I failed…
Finally, frustrated, I press the vape dose to the max and inhale, five, ten times. My head rings, my vision swims. Did I cross a safe amount?
Doesn’t matter.
The silence returns…
Slowly, reluctantly.
I can handle this.
So now what?
The plan?
Living another day?
Pushing?
I’ll stay with them. Yes.
I’ll return to the tiny mobile house with my parents. I’m not going back to college anyway, I’ll stay with them and give them my presence, show them… that I’m managing, that I’m moving on, pushing forward just like Ennio always says. Because I can’ttake their pain away. Only time can do that. But maybe I’ll infect them with that mindset too.
Forward…
Because there’s no turning back.
There’s no stepping off the path upward.
Past it there is only darkness.
ALEX
I curl up on the bed, shaken by an asthma attack, and these two days are a nightmare, I either cry or lie there in numbness, in absolute shock and confusion over what happened. I haven’t had any allergic response since the day Bay and I made love for the first time, but now it’s back with a vengeance.
Sometimes I get off the bed.
Bay’s diary is on the floor. I use clear tape.
Slowly, painstakingly, piece by tiny piece, I tape every torn page back together.
And then I run out of strength, because it makes no sense anyway, so I go back to the bed.
And I lie there again. Dying.
It’s simply impossible. Absolutely impossible.
I’ve read everything the internet has to offer about cases like this, but all of them, absolutely all, say that incompatible people are also incompatible in personality, they have different dispositions, different temperaments, they respond to life situations differently, they usually have completely different outlooks, they struggle to understand each other, their energy pulls them in opposite directions.
So I don’t understand why Bay and I were such a perfect match! I can’t wrap my head around it…
Groaning, whimpering, I thrash a little, glance at the diary, then at the ceiling again.
When I close my eyes, I see his face turned toward me with tenderness and love… Bay always looked at me like that, as if I was the beginning and the end of his world, his eyes revealed everything to me, and that will never happen again. I lost him, the person who was ready to do anything for me, who adored me, and whom I adored without limits, I saw my future only with him, without him it’s annihilation, everything is gray and bleak and worthless.
The pain twists inside me as if someone wrapped a thin metal wire around my insides, it hurts so much, it hurts just unbearably.
And I sob again and I cry again and I howl in my bed again.
