Okay so what if I have feelings for a girl?
It’s normal.
However, all that I feel towards her doesn’t seem normal. There is so much happening all at once: my heart jumps begging to reach her, the cadence of my breathing changes to rapid breaths as if she’s sucked all the oxygen in the room, and insects and fireflies fill my stomach and wage an assault that makes me nervous. I keep my hands gentle so that I don’t hurt even a little bit. My movements are slow so I don’t scare her. And when I kiss her, I want to devour her, but I go at the pace she wants me to because she’s all that matters to me.
Sebastian clears his throat.
I look at him and he smirks. Clearly I was busy staring at Hope while I was thinking about all that.
“Communication is the key. Talk to her and be clear about what you want,” he suggests.
“So I tell her that being my girl means that she’s my girlfriend.”
He nods. “Yes, and, also, make sure you go at her pace. If she wants to take things slow then?—”
“I already know that.”
“Did you ask her out on a date?”
I shake my head. “I haven’t gotten to that part.” Anger laces my words.
“What part did you get then?”
“The part where she had to clean my blood off her bedroom floor and her dad tore apart all of her favorite books.”
“Fuck!” A mixture of sadness and despair flashes across his face. “He is a monster.”
“He is.” I grit out. “You have no idea how much she loved those books. Books are her favourite thing in the world.”
Whenever I see books, I think of her.
“I hate that man,” I tell him. Rage sears through me and turns my blood hot. I’m so consumed by the desire to hurt him, but the sight of Hope stops me. It’ll upset her if I hit her dad and went to jail. She’s already feeling guilty about it.
“I swear I’ll break your bones if you do anything irrational. I know you want to hurt him, but think with a cool mind before you dive headfirst into this mess. You have to be careful and logical about this because you won’t be able to do anything if you’re locked up inside a cell.”
I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I do it a couple of more times before I’m finally cool enough to kick that monster out of my head.
Sebastian is right. What happened to Hope is my fault. Maybe if I didn’t appear in front of her dad and hurt him, he wouldn’t have touched her books. She’d still have them and wouldn’t damp my t-shirt from her tears.
I’m glad he didn’t fucking hit her. Seeing Hope in bruises would have sent me over the edge and nothing would have stopped me from driving to her home and attacking him.
My best friend grabs my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “You have a lot on the line. It’s not just him you’ll be hurting. He’ll hurt youandHope.”
I curl my fingers into fists.
“Things will get worse if you lose control andjustthink about him. Hope is the person stuck in the middle of this complicated situation. You have to put her first and think it through before you do anything.”
I close my eyes, and try to imagine a scenario where I can stand and watch him he hurt Hope.
I can’t.
“I can’t make any promises, Bash.”
“Then don’t. Because I was once in your place. I wanted nothing more than to hurt the people who hurt Marie. Nothing else made sense to me.” He stares at me. “Just call me before you do anything. I’ll be there for you.”
I nod, knowing that I can’t trust myself when it comes to Rose. I can risk everything for her.
“You should take her out on a date. Make sure she has a good time.” Sebastian gives me advice.
