There’s a sad smile to his words, “We like you. You’re good for the team, I see how you’re pulling them along… making them better. But the more you pretend you’re okay… The more I’m watching you break.”
I’m not even sure if I’m breathing anymore.
“So tell me about them.” There’s an emotion in Reuben’s voice I’ve never heard before... a worry that has never been reserved for me, the outsider. “Tell the team. Talkto us.”
The pain bleeding out of my chest has lessened. For weeks, there’s been a wound there I can't see. A wound I've tried to physically find over and over again. One that’s only been getting bigger and bigger, forcing me to find Christian's face in mirrors and hear their voices in my memories.
And for the first time, it's making me open my mouth, “I've never once...lostanything.”
Reuben is quiet as he listens.
“Because I’ve never had anything in the first place. The Adler Squad was the first andonlything I had.” My eyes blur again. My voice a crushed whisper, “But now they're not here. Now… I'm back to having nothing.”
It's like the world is spinning and I'm the only constant. The only onestanding still.
1,323 days, and suddenly I'm right back at the start, further away now more than ever from my dream of living as one of them.
Of living as myself.
“But even though they're gone, I see them. Lingering in memories and corners and wide open spaces andreflections.I can't tell if they're screaming or raving, or cursing or hating orblaming—”
Reuben pulls my head into his collar as I begin to ramble, trying to steady me, and the world tilts on its axis for a single moment.
His scent is soothing to my senses. A mix of coffee and… I’ve finally recognized the second scent that clings to him. It’s the scent of the trees around the Taiga estate—the scent of pine.
I feel ashamed for burying my head deeper into his neck. For allowing him to see such a broken side of me.
“Reuben, I'm all that's left,” my voice breaks, my fingers are gripping his shirt tightly, “and I’m…”
I’m…
Nothing.
No one.
An impostor with Christian’s face.
“Eres mia,” Reuben’s voice carries a tone of finality, though I have no idea what he could be saying.
“You’remypeople now,” He says firmly, pulling me away to grab my chin with his palm and pull my eyes up this forcefully.
“Maybe you’re all that’s left, but I didn’t get to know the people you love.” There’s an unwavering glint in his dark eyes that makes my eyes widen, “so to me, you’re all that matters. You’re one of mine.”
His words cut straight through me, into that place that hurts the most—injecting a warmth into my invisible wounds that I never expected.
“We may not be your Adler Squad,” he gives me a comforting smile, rubbing his thumb across my cheeks again, “but we’re something. So don't say you don't have anything.”
I would never have thought you could be so… gentle.
But Reuben… “If you're all I have left, then it doesn’t matter if I break.” I pull away from him, avoiding his gaze as I get to my feet. The warmth he’s given me, even though it’s comforting, it’s frightening. It makes me realize how much of me he’s seen.
And it’s all the pieces of me that aren’t Christian.
I’m so exhausted emotionally, that it’s easier to put on the mask I’m used to. To hide the remnants of my grief deep inside me.
He stands, reaching for me, but I smack his hand away before he can, instantly putting distance between us. He starts, “Christian—”
“I have to show you why it was me.” I cut him off solemnly, rubbing the tearstains away from my cheeks, with a hard expression. “I won't make a mistake. And I'll use my life to show you and this team the worth of the Adler Squad.”
