When I hook my fingers beneath his chin to pull his gaze to mine, that’s all I can think of. I can feel my insides become more and more frantic—more desperate—in tandem with the sound of the piano.
And the moment Christian’s blue eyes meet mine, it is my breath that is stolen.
He’s still lost in the music around him, I can tell because he isn’t seeing me at all, his soul is completely far away. But he looks so completely lovestruck, I become weak in the face of it.
I want to kiss him with that look on his face.
I want to force myself so deep inside him while he looks at me this way. I want to feel his skin and the warmth of his body both against and around me and watch him whisper my name while entranced like this.
But the moment Christian returns from that faraway place and focuses on me, the spell breaks.
He frowns, but instead of irritation, he pulls my hand from his chin slowly with hues of curiosity in his energy, “Why do you do that?”
I pull away quickly, because there are two realizations, making my blood pulse loudly in my ears.
One: Christian Adler may be the densest man I’ve ever seen in my life.
And two:
There has never been a flicker of attraction in his energy towards me.
Chapter 8
‘Christian’
Reuben's been avoiding me for days.
And I'm used to people avoiding me—my first 211 days were filled with people crossing the street simply because they didn't want to pass me by...
But this is different.
The only thing that makes sense, is that I upset him in some way.
I’d asked Xavier about it—my only option really, because Gabriel's an asshole and Tobias is always busy managing Reuben’s affairs—
But Xavier said Reuben’s just being a bit strange right now. It happens sometimes and he’ll go back to normal eventually… whatever ‘normal’ may be for Reuben anyway. There’s no sense agonizing over it, so I can only hope he’s right.
I throw a new shirt over my head right as my eyes snag on my reflection in the mirror.
It’s both calming and painful when Christian’s eyes stare back at me.
It’s been forty-four days since I lost the Adler Squad. But the visions of them are still as clear as though they were right in front of me. Mitch’s voice. Max’s scowl. All their drunk faces after a successful op… but my reflection is always the worst of it.
When I mimic his smile, I swear he’s there, smiling at me. When I close my eyes I’m surrounded by his scent, his soaps, his colognes, his clothes. Some nights I shift into a cat and make a bed of them, because I can almost feel he’s there beside me when I close my eyes. Like old times.
My reflection keeps me from breaking but at the same time, it shatters me…
Because he’s nothing but a spectre.
Would you have accepted me in a different form like Reuben did?
“Christian.”
The spectre releases me from its grip and I can finally pull my gaze away. Once again grateful to be released from the nightmare but still itching to take another look. To have the ghost of him close again.
Instead, I meet Reuben’s eyes in the open doorway. It never seems to matter how quickly I can pull my inexpressive mask on. I know by now that Reuben sees everything, and by the quiet blaze of fire in his eyes, I know that he's seen through me too.
It makes my insides itch, but at the same time, it feels like I’m taking in air for the very first time after suffocating underwater for the last 802 days.
