“Christian—”
“Then ‘Christian’ might as well be dead, Reuben.”
His hands reach for me, and this time I can’t step back quickly enough. His fingers are already buried in my hair, when he pulls me into the crook of his neck.
His scent envelops me, and the grey—the void inside me—suddenly trembles.
And it’s the moment I finally realize it.
That I might… love you.
That I wish you were truly mine.
But this isn’t real, Reuben. The person you’re holding in your hands, never existed—Iknowthat…
But your warmth, your hands in my hair, the scent of you tickling my nose—it’s erasing the numbness that existed moments ago, dragging the fractures back out into the open. Closing them up like they never were.
I don’t want to let go of you…
“I can’t do this with you anymore.” There’s no emotion in my voice and Reuben’s chest goes still. It’s like he’s forgotten to breathe. “Xavier’s right…” I continue coldly. “I was distracted.”
“You could never have guessed this was the Harvester’s next move,” he speaks into my hair, holding me tighter. “That Xavier would do this.”
“Maybe you’re right.” The words stall in my throat as I breathe him in again, for the last time—gathering my courage to draw the line in the sand.
“But Reuben, I didn’t survive that night to be with you.”
He tenses beneath me and this time, he doesn’t stop me when I step back.
“I survived that night to take my dead higher,” I hold his gaze. “To keep their memories alive… I should never have gotten into this with you.”
I’m keeping my emotions in the grey. Keeping them out of reach so he won’t see and I know it’s what he’s searching for when he looks at me.
“But you did.” A strange light is entering his eyes, one I’ve seen before. It’sas though he’s wavering over the edge of something… wild. He smiles softly, but there’s something there that just isn’t right.
“You did and you loved every moment.” He pulls my chin up as he watches me. “So I think you’re wrong.” His eyes glint with fire as he tilts his head, “You definitely survived that night, and every other night after that, to be with me.”
My eyes narrow, “Reuben—”
“No, no,” He turns my chin left and right gently. “None of that, baby. I told you.” He tugs my lip with his teeth and I hate that it threatens to take me out of the grey. Hate that I’m already close to crumbling again. “There’s no way you can run from me… and there’s no way I’m letting you go.”
I tug my head out of his grip, “You’re not listening—”
“Iamlistening.” His hand closes around my throat, trapping me and forcing me to meet his eyes. “Who’s going to stop you from ruining yourself if not me?” The familiar words make my resolve tremble and his thumb brushes against my lips as he holds me in place with a burning gaze, “Every time I turn around, you're breaking apart. I can’t trust you to keep yourself together without me. Sono. I’m not leaving you alone. The moment I turn my back you’re going to kill yourself on this stupid quest to ‘add value’.”
“That has nothing to do with you.”
“Wrongfuckingthing to say.” His smile is only growing bigger, becoming wilder. His grip on my throat tightens only a fraction. “It has everything to do with me, baby,” he sings. “I don’t care how much you want to die with your dead.”
I can see the gears turning in his mind before a serious light enters his eyes.
“… You need a doctor.”
I’m momentarily stunned, “... What?”
“Adoctor.”
“I was hit by a fucking truck, of course I need a doctor.”
