“You don’t always have to be strong for everyone, you know. You don’t always have to be happy, bubbly Ella.”
“I know that,” I said on reflex.
“Do you? Because whenever I see you sad or angry, you apologize for it.”
I paused, mulling over her words. “Do I really do that?”
“Yes. And whenever someone you care about is sad or angry, instead of talking about it with them, you bend over backward to find some way to distract them or make them laugh.”
Megan’s comment from Christmas Eve sprang to my mind. The one that alluded to me having a savior complex. Was she right? Was Sophia? I looked back at my interactions with Ben. A troubling pattern began to emerge. He told me about the Commissioner of the USFL, and I cracked a joke about an egg account. He was clearly struggling New Year’s Eve, and I made a fool out of myself for him. And then there was the day he told me he was getting tested.
“I think it’s why you can’t be around your mom much this time of year,” Sophia said. “You know that no amount of joking or self-deprecation can pull her out of it for more than a few minutes.”
“Can we please not talk about Mom right now?” I asked. “I’m already sad. I don’t want to be pissed off too.”
“I understand.”
Unable to stop myself, I said, “Have you seen her lately?”
Sophia nodded.
“How is she?”
“Same as she always is this time of year. She still refuses to listen to your father or me.”
I raked my hands through my hair. “How do I…how do I stop doing this? Feeling like I need to save everyone?”
She pulled up her phone. “I can send you a list of emotional exercises I think will help, but you may want to talk to someone other than me about this.”
“And my sociopathic ability to read people?”
She shot me a grin. “I was kidding about that.”
I stared at her. “Sophia! I’ve been freaking out over it.”
She chuckled. “Sorry. I thought you knew how to take a joke.”
I glared at her. My phone dinged with an incoming email. I looked down to see she’d sent me a rather large PDF file. My glare disappeared. “Thank you for this.”
“You’re welcome. Let me know if you have questions about the exercises or want help with them.”
“I will.”
“Right now, I think we need to focus on your path forward through this current situation,” she said. “You need to feel these emotions. But with balance. If you start to get overwhelmed, like you clearly were when you got here, stop whatever you’re doing. Get up and do some jumping jacks, take the dogs outside, or even watch a bunch of videos of people doing dumb things on YouTube. Distraction techniques can be really beneficial in the short term.”
“Okay.”
“When you’re able to, go all the way to the end of that worst-case scenario.”
I reached out and grabbed Mr. Bear off the counter, clinging to him like a shield.
Sophia caught sight of my expression and softened her tone. “It doesn’t have to be today, or even tomorrow. But Ella? You need to chase that path, and instead of dwelling on how horrible it will be, find solutions. Say he might have memory loss. You could search for some brain exercises that have proven effective for Alzheimer’s patients. Things like that.”
“I…I think I can manage that.”
“I think so too. You’re a helper. You have been for as long as I’ve known you. That desire to take action, to do something to make thingsbetter is your best ally right now. Especially after Stan’s diagnosis. However it turns out.”
“Are there ways I can help him in the short term?” I asked.
