I shook my head, turning to her as she sat on the other side of the couch. “Nothing really triggered it. It was more like rock bottom of the downward spiral I’d been on since the accident.”
Mom’s expression crumpled. “I’m so sorry we didn’t know.”
I shook my head. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault. I hid it pretty well.”
Dad leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Is that why you came out here?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I had to get away from home. Everywhere I went reminded me of them. I felt like I couldn’t move forward or deal with my grief when I was crippled by it just by passing our old high school, or the courts where we played basketball with our friends, or the movie theatre he used to work at.”
“I understand,” Mom said, her voice quiet. “But I wish you had told us.”
I sighed. “I didn’t really know how to talk about my emotions. We haven’t been great about that, as a family.”
She frowned. “That’s not fair.”
“Klara, it is,” Dad said. “When we’re happy, sure, but not when we’re mad, or sad. I bottle everything up. You get distant. And the boys learned that from us.”
Mom sat back and let out a heavy breath. “How do we fix it?”
Dad shrugged. “Simple. We start being honest with each other.”
Chapter 19: Ella
Ben is getting tested today.
I couldn’t think about anything else. I couldn’t do anything but worry. I sat in front of my computer, Photoshop open, with the latest draft of the month of January for my wildlife calendar series filling the screen. I hadn’t touched the mouse in half an hour.
Sam, my little empath, stood next to me, his head on my leg. I curled my fingers into the fur on his neck, feeling like my grip on him was the only thing holding me together. If I let go, I’d curl up in a ball and start sobbing.
This was terrible. The worst I’d felt since Renee started to go downhill. And it brought up all of the associated emotions. I was crippled by them. To the point that I recognized I might need some professional help to pull myself out of it.
“Come on, bud,” I told Sam.
I paced out into the living room and curled up on the chaise, and Sam bounded up next to me. Fred, right behind him, jumped onto the footrest and sprawled out next to my legs. I opened my phone and checked, for the millionth time, if Ben had been spotted in Boston yet. It looked like no. Thank God. The last thing he needed on top of everything else was the attention of the media.
Feeling only slightly better, I pulled up my sister-in-law’s number and hit the call button. It was Saturday, so she shouldn’t be working. Not unless a client needed an emergency session.
She answered on the third ring. “Hey there, stranger.”
“Sofia?” I said, my voice raw.
“Ella? What’s wrong?”
“Can I come over?”
“Of course. Are you okay?”
“No, but I can’t get into it over the phone or I’ll lose it.”
“I understand. Come on over. We’re home.”
“Thank you so much.”
We hung up. I forced myself to stand. I got all the way to the front door and started pulling on my winter gear on before I looked down at myself. When was the last time I showered? The day before Ben left? Had I been wearing these pajamas since that night? I pulled the fabric of my shirt up and smelled it.
Ew.
Sam pressed against my leg and whimpered. I must have looked as bad as I felt.
