Don’t bother. I don’t want you to waste the money if you end up hating it and never use them again. I can just borrow a pair from someone close-ish to your height. What are you, like 7’5”?
Ha. I’m only 6’4”.
Only 6’4”, he says.This was followed by a rolling eye emoji.When did you want to plan on coming by? Tomorrow looks nice, weather-wise.
Tomorrow. I couldn’t commit to that. Or the next day. Or the one after that. My last depressive bout had kept me in bed for nearly aweek. The earliest date I was willing to risk making plans for happened to fall on the last day of the year.
Can’t escape the house until New Year’s Eve,I told her.I’m sure you already have plans, though.
Yeah, sorry. I’m going to be super busy that day. You know, prepping with the girls. Selecting the perfect dress. Deciding which club is throwing the best party. And then I need to have a long, hard think about which of the many, MANY eligible bachelors I should smooch at midnight.
Clubs? Was there some secret underground rave culture up here I wasn’t aware of? Or was she going out of town? And why was I suddenly fixated on who she was thinking about kissing?
Another text came through.#sarcasm. What time did you want to come over?
Oh, she’d been kidding. Relief flooded through me.
Can we set a time closer to the day of?I asked. I couldn’t make a decision yet. Just trying to act normal in this conversation was taking every ounce of my willpower, and I was almost drained.
Absolutely! I’ll text you the night before.
I went to set the phone down and caught sight of my Twitter app. The bubble in the top right-hand corner of it said I had over a thousand notifications waiting for me.
“I think it’s time to take another social media break,” Brian had suggested earlier. “At least until this blowup with the Commissioner dies down or you feel like you’re in a better place to interact with others online.”
Taking his advice, I tapped the Twitter icon and held it. When the little (x) popped up to delete it, I hit it without hesitation. Next was Instagram. TikTok. Snapchat. I removed each and every social media app from my phone. And then I moved on to my news apps. I didn’t think I’d ever seen a positive notification from one of them. Itwas always headlines likeNorth Korea Threatens to Annihilate South Korea,orTwenty Killed in Latest School Shooting.
Normally, I thought it was important to keep up with the news. To look, eyes wide open, at this world we lived in. But right now, my mental health needed to be my priority.
Finished with my mass deleting, I tossed the phone away, rolled onto my side, and fell asleep.
***
The next day was a little easier. I got out of bed for a few hours. I didn’t drink coffee. I poured all of the alcohol in the house down the kitchen sink. I was able to eat a decent-sized lunch. My morning session with Brian went well – we always switched to two-a-days when I had these episodes.
A few weeks ago, when we first discussed dropping my dosages, he was very upfront about the pros and cons of cutting back. At the time of that discussion, I thought the benefits outweighed the costs. I wasn’t sure if I still believed that, but hopefully in the coming days I’d feel better, and it would seem…well, not worth it, exactly, but maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad when I was on the other side of this.
After lunch I crawled back into bed, exhausted.
“Don’t let yourself dwell on the negativity or ruminate on Zach’s death. No more videos of him and his family,” Brian said during our afternoon session. “Employ distraction techniques. Watch funny animal videos on YouTube.”
“My mom thinks I should get a dog,” I told him.
“It’s not a terrible idea. Pets have been proven to help combat depression.”
After we hung up, I took his advice. What were Fred and Sam like as puppies? I googled “Husky puppies” and then fell down the rabbit hole of baby animal videos. When I was done, I turned on the TV, pulled up my Netflix account, and binge-watched one of their latest shows.
***
The day after that was even better. I got out of bed in the morning and ate a huge breakfast, ravenously hungry. I worked out. The endorphins did wonders to help my mindset. Later, during our afternoon session, I told Brian about Ella. I hadn’t been keeping her from him exactly; I just didn’t want to bring her up until I was sure that she was someone I might see with frequency. Brian heartily approved of our budding friendship, especially when I told him about the conversations we’d had and how much she made me laugh.
“As long as you don’t use that humor as a crutch when you’re feeling anxious or depressed,” he cautioned.
I assured him that I’d be careful to avoid that.
***
New Year’s Eve day, I was up before the sun. I felt good this morning. Not great, but that was okay. Good was a big step forward from where I was a few days ago.
