“It’s fine,” I say. “Spit it out.”
“I think I’m ready,” Olivia says. “Not this weekend or anything. But I want to do it with him.”
Charlie balks in the front seat next to her, yanking her glasses up onto her head. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” Olivia says. She looks a little proud of herself. “I know I said that stuff about college, and whatever.”
“Forget college,” Charlie says, waving a dismissing hand. “I’m just saying, Ben is a virgin for a reason.” Charlie arches around to look at me. “The man has read the entirety ofMoby-Dick, like, four times.”
“It’s so weird,” Olivia says. “I never thought it would be him.” She sounds dreamy and distant, like she’s not really talking to us in particular.
I can’t believe how ridiculous it is that just a week agoI thought I was ready, that Rob was the one. It seems almost impossible, how much has changed.
“Okay,” Charlie says, raising her eyebrows. “Look, you like him. I love you. Therefore, I’m cool with this. But I’m not giving you pointers. That’s just creepy.”
“But you have to!” Olivia says. She snaps out of her state and slaps Charlie across the seat. “Who else am I going to ask?”
She’s right, of course, but something about the way she says it makes me sit back. I’m not jealous exactly. I don’t want to be with Ben, and I know Olivia’s been waiting for the right person, and all of that. I’m happy for her. She’s my friend and I love her. Of course I’m happy for her. But it’s another thing Charlie and Olivia will have that I don’t. They are already ridiculously beautiful, and they have boyfriends who don’t run off with other girls. Is it too much to ask that they don’t leave me in the dust on this, too? It feels like I’m standing on the opposite side of everyone else, and the longer time ticks on, the wider the split gets between us, like we’re icebergs drifting apart at the north pole. I just keep thinking of that superdepressingPlanet Earthepisode with the polar bears. Where the ice splits and that one lone bear just drifts out to sea. It’s enough to make me want to start weeping in the back of Olivia’s SUV.
“You remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books?” Olivia says.
“Don’t go getting all metaphoric on us now, O. It’s just sex. Use your words,” Charlie says.
“Noooo,” Olivia drags. “That’s not where I’m going with this.”
“Whatever,” Charlie says. “Can we please turn the music back on?” She reaches forward, and her seat belt snaps her back.
“Karma sucks,” Olivia says, smiling at her.
“I read those,” I say. I lean forward. “But I’d always skip to the end.”
“Everyone skipped to the end,” Charlie says. She’s wrestling with her strap, her arms flailing.
“I didn’t,” Olivia says. “It used to make me so upset when I’d finish one, because then there were no more surprises.”
“Weird child,” Charlie says. She finally frees herself. “But I cannot listen to the oldies anymore.”
Olivia flips her hand to say,Whatever, and Charlie puts her own phone on.
“Anyway, I was thinking about those books because I was reading one to Drew. Like, it’s sort of how life is, you know? One decision leading to an entirely different chapter?”
“This is way deep,” Charlie says.
“Shut up,” Olivia says, tapping her fist on the steering wheel. “I’m serious.”
“I get it,” I say. “It’s definitely true. One moment can change everything.”
Charlie gives me a pained smile and wiggles her nose.
“If you could know your entire life now—like, if you could flip to the end—would you?” Olivia looks at Charlie and then at me.
“Definitely not,” Charlie says. “It would just bum me out that Jake is never going to get his act together. Also, what if I didn’t get into Middlebury? I’d rather wait it out.”
“I think I’d choose to know,” I say. “I’d like to be prepared.”
Olivia nods, and the song flips.
I would want to know. Idowant to know. If I knew, maybe I could figure it out sooner. If I had any idea what was going through Rob’s head and how this would eventually play out, I could act accordingly. I could move on or hang on. I wouldn’t be caught in this in-between, feeling so completely useless.
