“That was an unusual situation.”
“Yeah, only in that it took me four days to go from hating the idea of marriage to not being able to conceive of my life without him.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I like the idea of marriage.”
I think about Jake—the safety and calm I get at being in his presence. But I’ve spent my life knowing everything would end. That nothing was forever. It’s hard to transition to the inverse.
“You’re not me,” Kendra says. She picks her cup up and sips. “Love is not only one thing, you know. Love is just the thing you need. For me it was an instant change of heart. For you it’s something else.”
I drop some junk mail into the trash. “How romantic.”
Kendra rolls her eyes. “Give me a break,” she says. “What do you want to do? Play cat and mouse with someone like Hugo forever?”
As soon as she says it I feel immediately sad. Hugo and I have seen less of each other lately. He’s been traveling a ton, always on the weekends, and I’ve been at Wilshire Corridor more nights than I’m not. Last Saturday Jake and I ordered Pizzana, watched someBacheloretteknockoff, and fell asleep before ten.
There’s a warmth to this relationship with Jake, a comfort that I’ve never really felt or known before. But sometimes I’m afraid it means I’m somehow fading—that all the bright and brilliant aspects of myself are diminishing in this cocoon. That I will not have the sparkle I once had—that all my edges are being worn down in this intimacy.
“Obviously not,” I say.
“What are we discussing?” Irina appears in the kitchen, a Bluetooth headpiece in her ear, and her cell phone in another. She’s wearing leather pants and a tight black turtleneck, even though it’s unseasonably warm for February.
“Are you talking to us?” Kendra asks in a low voice.
“Of course!” Irina snaps. She looks at Kendra. “You are here too often. Don’t you have a new job?”
“I do; I just miss you,” Kendra says. She smiles, and Irina pats her playfully on the back. “We’re remote half-time anyway, now.”
“Yes,” Irina says. Her tone is deadpan. “You seem hard at work.”
“We’re discussing the fact that Jake asked Daphne to move in with him.”
Irina whirls to face me. “You’re kidding.”
“Oh, wow, thanks. I feel so cherished here.”
Irina shoots me a look. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it. Don’t be obvious.”
“It’s soon,” I say. “Living together is a big step.”
“A giant one,” she says. “Make sure you feel the same way about nontoxic cleaning products and how to get rid of squirrels.”
“Specific,” Kendra says.
“I’m more worried about that kind of access,” I say.
Irina looks at me. “His to you or yours to him?”
“There are things he doesn’t know.”
“Like what?” Kendra says. “That sometimes you don’t recycle? Who cares?”
Irina comes over and touches my arm. She’s rarely this affectionate, but when she is, I know how much she means it. “You do what you’re comfortable with, baby. And if you move in and you don’t like it, move out. You can always change it. And change it again. And again. The stakes do not have to be that high.”
“Isn’t that a Tony Robbins saying?” Kendra asks. “If something isn’t working, change it. Keep changing it until it works?”
“It’s a Penelope saying,” she says, somewhat wearily. “So, honestly, probably.”
“I’m just not sure what’s stopping you,” Kendra says. And then she squints at me. “Unless I am.”
