“Maybe that’s not the point,” he says. He’s leaning against the sliding door, backlit by moonlight, and I’m struck once again by how beautiful he is. “Love doesn’t have to make sense.”
I look up at him. “Sit with me?”
He does.
I take his hand.
“You mean so much to me,” I say. “In some ways more than anyone who I’ve ever known. Rainer, I owe you everything. I don’t know who I am in this world without you by my side.”
Rainer squeezes my hand. “That’s not true anymore,” he says. “We both know that.”
I take a deep breath. “Maybe, maybe not. But I also know that we both have things to figure out still. I feel like we’ve been in this holding pattern for so long now. And I don’t think either one of us wants to be here anymore. You’ve been so patient with me, Rainer, but you shouldn’t be.” I inhale and force the next words out. “You need to let me go.”
Rainer keeps tight to my hand. His tone is soft, not a trace of bitterness. “So you’ve made your choice, then.”
“This isn’t about Jordan,” I say. “This is about us. You and me.”
“I liked when there was a you and me.” He smiles at me—it’s small, sad, but still radiant. Still him.
“Me too,” I say. “There still can be. Just not the way—”
“I want.”
“I was going to say the way it used to be. Rainer, you have been so wonderful to me. You were the best boyfriend.”
He snorts. “My track record would beg to differ.”
“Not true. I’d never be where I am without you. Britney wouldn’t, either.”
He looks at me but doesn’t say anything.
“I know you feel responsible for her. But your dad’s mistakes aren’t your own. You can’t hold up the world, Rainer. You’re not Superman.”
“Well, actually,” he says, “I am.”
“Real life, Rainer.”
“Oh right, that.” He shrugs at me.
“You need to forgive yourself for what happened,” I say.
He exhales. When he speaks, it’s quiet, reserved. “I don’t think I know how.”
“You’ll learn,” I say. “I’ll help you.”
He picks his gaze up to meet mine. “Tomorrow is our first day of filming,” he says.
In the midst of Alexis’s arrival, I’d forgotten. He’s right. We startLocked in Lovein the morning.
“Thank you for being my Noah,” I say.
“Always.”
We sit side by side in silence. I hear the waves crashing—irregular, unpredictable, and yet still eternal. Nothing can stop the ebb and flow of the tide, the pull of the undertow. It’s a force bigger than anything we could hope to understand or control. Maybe love is the same way. Maybe Rainer is right—love doesn’t have to make sense. The only thing I know for sure about love is that it does not die. I know because I’ve tried to kill it. I’ve tried and I’ve failed.
I touch the cowrie shell at my neck. The one Rainer gave me all those months ago. Back when he was asking me to be his. And I know, in some ways, I always will be. We’re August and Noah. He’s the one she chooses. Their story will live on far beyond us. We’ll be together, somewhere, forever.
The next morning, fiveAM, I’m headed down to the hair and makeup suite. Sandy came in last night, and I run into her in the lobby. She yawns and offers up her Starbucks cup in a wave. I signal back. I’m feeling good this morning, calm. Like the world is the way it’s supposed to be. We’re back where we’re supposed to be. I’m hoping one thing in particular hasn’t changed. And when I fling the door open, I see that I’m right.
