I blink, and feel Rainer shift next to me. I know they’re watching us—not just the students, but the world, that this clip will be everywhere. I can’t react with surprise, which might register as unkindness. And I could never be unkind to Alexis, who now I realize is braver and more selfless than I ever knew before.
She looks down at the podium, and I see her brush a hand against the back of her head. I want to reach through the screen and take her hand. Stand with her. I know now why she wanted us to call in. She wanted us to be here, and that fact alone makes me feel the most intense, true love for her.
Alexis inhales, ready to continue, except she is silenced. Because the entire auditorium has broken out into a chorus of shouts and cheers and applause. It is more deafening than anything I have heard before. Louder than our premiere. But it doesn’t feel scary or burdensome or panic-inducing. This collective expression feels like love. And I know Alexis feels it, too, because all at once her head is up and she is beaming.
“Yeah,” she says, nodding. “I’m a gay woman.” More screaming. It sounds so freaking beautiful, I start doing it myself.
“Thank you,” she says. She holds up her hand for people to quiet down. “I wasn’t going to say anything. I wasn’t sure I was ever going to come out. I live my life in such a public way, and frankly, I don’t think my sexuality is anyone’s business. It doesn’t affect my job.”
People are clapping maniacally.
“But.” Alexis holds up her hand and tosses her hair. She’s back to working the crowd. “I realized that I was starting to live a lie. And I don’t want any of you to think there is anything wrong with being, openly and proudly, who you are.”
At this people go nuts. Rainer and Jordan next to me are whooping and clapping. I find that I have tears rolling down my face.
“These are my friends,” Alexis says. “And I guarantee you it does not make one single difference to them who I decide to date.”
She looks at us, and Rainer leans forward. “Not true,” he tells her through the screen. “We do care, because we want you to be happy. And Alexis? Goddamn, we’re proud.”
I look at Jordan. He has tears in his eyes. “I love you, A,” he says.
“Back at you, babe.”
Even though we’re on Skype, I know she’s looking right at me. She has been so brave. And I can’t help but think, as she cocks an eyebrow at me, that she’s challenging me to be the same.
I blow her a kiss. She turns back to the auditorium. And then she keeps speaking. She talks about truth and integrity, and kindness. And leading with your heart—no matter how “off the path” it may take you.
“The thing about life,” she says, “is that sometimes the roads that seem impossible just have some rocks in your way. They’re not boulders; they’re just rocks. You can move them. You are strong enough.” She finishes with this: “I will help you lift them.”
We hang up with promises of seeing her soon. The last thing I see is Alexis being enveloped in a huge hug by students.
Once we close the computer, the three of us are quiet. No one moves. And I suddenly realize it’s not their job to say anything—it’s mine. Alexis stood up in front of the world and told us who she is. She spoke her truth. Now it’s my turn.
I flip myself around onto the coffee table so I’m facing them. Jordan is looking at the floor, but Rainer is looking right at me.
“She’s amazing,” I say.
They both nod.
“She had mentioned she might—” Jordan says. “Pretty epic.”
“How long have you known?” I ask Jordan.
He shrugs. “Forever, I guess. I still had a thing for her, though.”
To my complete surprise, Rainer laughs. I see the slight edge of a smile on Jordan’s lips, too.
“I have to tell you guys something,” I say.
Rainer sits back and crosses a foot over his leg. Jordan is still avoiding my gaze.
“I know I’ve been selfish, inexcusably so. You were right, Rainer. This isn’t fair. And I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you both through.” I take a deep breath. I just say it. “Which is why I won’t choose.”
At this Rainer and Jordan both look at me. What I see there is a mix of so many emotions, it makes me feel dizzy. “If it means giving one of you up, and you giving up each other, then I won’t do it.”
I see Jordan look up at Rainer and then fall silent again. Rainer leans forward. “Paige,” he says, gently. “No one is going anywhere.”
“That’s not true,” I say. “This whole thing”—I gesture around me, to the space between us—“isn’t how it should be. I don’t want things to be awkward and miserable between the two of you. It’s my fault that—”
