I stop on the landing and look below me, expecting to see a driver that Sandy said she would arrange. But instead I see Rainer.
He looks a little tired, but I know it’s something only I can see. He’s still his usual movie-star stunning, and he’s holding a sign that saysPGin big pink magic marker.
I walk the stairs slowly. When I get to him, I pause. “I thought they were sending a car,” I say.
He shrugs. “Didn’t feel like the right welcome.”
We look at each other, the night air cooling around us.
“Should we get your bags?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
We go over to the carousel. I just have one duffel, packed to the brim with things I’m sure will ultimately end up in Alexis’s room.
I point it out to Rainer, and he slings it over his shoulder. “After you,” he says.
Kahului Airport is open, and as we cross over to the parking lot, to Rainer’s neon-blue convertible, I look up to see the palm trees swaying and the stars sparkling above us. It’s almost enough for me to forget where Rainer and I are, what has happened. Almost.
“It hasn’t changed,” I whisper.
“No,” Rainer says. “It hasn’t.”
But we have. We drive in silence with the top down. The familiar landscape waxes and wanes around us. I can’t wait to see everything in the light of day tomorrow.
We pull up to the condos. We rented the same ones as last time. Right in Wailea, right by the ocean.
My key is at the front desk, along with a way-too-big flower bouquet from Amanda. “Would you like us to bring it to your room?” the desk girl asks.
“No,” I say. “They’re yours.”
We make our way to my condo, Rainer still hauling the duffel behind me. He stops at the door and I pull out the key, sliding it in and waiting for the click. He follows me inside.
“Where should I drop this?” he asks.
“Anywhere,” I say. “It doesn’t matter.”
I take it in. The bedroom is to the right, and then the hallway spills into the living room and beyond that, the balcony. The shades are up and the sliding doors have been opened, allowing for the most delicious trade breeze. My feet on the hardwood floor feel cool and steady.
Rainer puts the bag in the bedroom and then comes and stands next to me.
There are so many memories here. Morning coffee on the terrace, ordering sushi, running lines on the sofa. I think of the two of us, how good we were. Or how good we seemed.
I feel Rainer’s hand reach out and touch me lightly between my shoulder blades. “I need to say something,” he tells me.
“I know,” I say. “But I need to say something first.” I step back from his reach and over to the couch. He follows.
“Okay,” he says. “Shoot.”
I cross my feet underneath me. Rainer puts a hand on the back of the couch. I take a deep breath. “Rainer, I know what we had was real—I’m not an idiot. I was there, too. I know you love me, just like I love you.” I see relief in his eyes. It shines so bright, I think they might blow a fuse. “But it doesn’t change what happened. You lied to me. You came after me not because of how you felt but because of orders you were given. What does it say about us, our relationship, that you couldn’t even be honest with me?”
“I didn’t think it mattered,” Rainer says. “Who cares how we got together, if we’re together now?”
“Because,” I say. “Our life isn’t pretend. We’re not chess pieces to be moved around at the world’s will. I don’t want my private life to be some kind of public fantasy.”
“It’s not.We’renot.”
“I think we are. Being with you made me feel protected, but it also made me feel scared. And I’m not saying this to hurt you, but it’s the truth. It’s so much. It’s too much, Rainer. Sometimes being with you, being that couple, made me feel like I didn’t know who I was.”
