CHAPTER 13
The next two days are fine. That’s all I can say now: fine. Not bad, not great, not anything. Just, fine. Numb, maybe. Rainer seems in increasingly good spirits, probably due to Jordan’s absence. Jessica, per request, is spending a lot of time with him. He drags her on all kinds of tours and to shows. We do two other appearances and a series of interviews.
No one seems too concerned with Jordan’s absence, but none of our usual handlers is here. Something tells me Tawny and Sandy wouldn’t be as cool with him just bailing.
It’s not until the plane ride home that Rainer and I actually talk. I’m surprised when I see him come over and take the seat next to me.
“I need to ask you something,” he says, his hands on his knees. “Why did Jordan leave?”
I close my eyes. I don’t feel up for lying. Not after these last few days. “I told you, he had some family thing or something. I don’t really know.”
Rainer sighs. “Listen, I’m trying to figure out a diplomatic, non–douche bag way of asking you what’s going on with you two.”
I shake my head. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yes. I’d like you to tell me the truth.”
“So ask me.”
“Are you together?”
I run a hand over my forehead. “No.”
“Okay.” The relief in his voice makes me wince.
I look up at him. His eyes are focused on me now, intently. “But, Rainer?”
“Yeah?” he says, swallowing.
“We might be if I wasn’t so afraid of losing you.”
Rainer takes this in. “That’s so unfair,” he says. But it’s not bitter, just regretful.
“I know,” I say, tucking my hands between my knees.
“Can we just agree,” he says, “that we won’t do anything, we won’t date anyone else, until we figure this out?”
His eyes are bright, clear. I want so much to see myself there. “Yeah,” I say. “We can do that.”
We fly through the day. I sleep off and on. Jessica and Rainer watch movies. We land at LAX a little before midnight. We flew commercial home, so now we have to deal with the photographers outside.
Jessica goes ahead to make sure the cars are there, and Rainer pulls me to the side as we deplane. “What do you want to do?” he asks.
I tuck a piece of stray hair back up into my baseball hat. I see our fellow passengers glancing at us as they pass by. “What do you mean?”
Rainer inhales. “Do you want to walk out together?”
I look up at him. His face is open, relaxed. No hat or sunglasses. He’s offering himself to me as protection. Do I want to take it?
“It’ll make things easier if you take my hand,” he says.
He holds it out to me. I’m exhausted, and all I want to do is just slip my palm into his. To let him lead me down, through the photographers. It would put a rest to this disastrous public image if we just do this one, simple thing. Back together. What cheating scandal? It’s all behind us. We’re solid. Throw all the rocks you want.
But I can’t. I’m not even sure why he’s offering it. Is it because he wants to protect me, or because he wants to cement us further together in the public eye? Either way, I have to say no.
I shake my head. “We have to do it on our own,” I say.
Rainer nods once. Curt. And then he steps ahead of me.
