He draws me to him, and I think for one brief moment he’s going to kiss me, but instead he buries his face in my neck. I feel him groan—his breath hot on my skin. I wrap my arms around him and press my lips to his head.
“I miss you, too,” he whispers. He picks his head up. He untangles us slightly, but not all the way. We’re still touching. “Look at this,” he says. “What if Rainer walked in right now?” His black eyes are hard. “This is his house,” he says.
I taste the salt water on my lips. “We’re not doing anything wrong.” I know we are, but that reality seems light years away.
“Yes,” he says, gentler this time. “We are.”
“You haven’t even…”
“Kissed you?” Jordan laughs, but it feels cold and mirthless. “This is worse.”
I wipe my eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t call you tonight for this.”
“No,” Jordan says. “You called me tonight because you were drunk. And maybe you still are and you won’t remember this, but I’m not and I will.” He takes my hand in his. “I want you all the time, not just when my defenses are down.”
“I hate this.”
Jordan looks at me. His black eyes have flecks of gold in them. “You chose him, Paige,” he says. “That’s all that matters now.” He clears his throat. He pulls entirely away from me so we’re sitting up, face-to-face. “That’s why I don’t think we should see each other,” he says. “Not anymore.”
I’m so confused that it takes me a moment to register his last words. “What are you saying?”
Jordan shifts on the bed. “We have a good few months before we have to go back and film. I think we should just… let things fade.”
I sit up and put my hand on his back. I feel him flinch, but he doesn’t move away. “Do you really think that will work?”
“I have to try. We’ve been over this.” He gestures with his head to the hallway, and I know he means whatever isn’t in this room right now but is always between us—Rainer.
“Things are such a mess,” I say.
I open my mouth to say more, but I’m not sure what else there is. I feel like a character, like August. I thought love triangles only existed in the movies. But here I am, the undeniable third point.
“I’m going to go,” Jordan says. “You should sleep.”
He stands up, and I swing my legs over the bed. The room sways around me, and I clutch the edge of the mattress. “So this is it?”
Jordan exhales in the doorway. He puts a hand on the frame and then turns around. My eyes work to find his face in the darkness. “You weren’t wrong,” he says.
I wait for him to continue.
“About tonight, you weren’t wrong. I kissed you because it was the only way I could see being able to be that close to you. It was an opportunity, and I took it. And I’m sorry.” And then, right before he disappears, I hear him say, “It won’t happen again.”
CHAPTER 8
Goddammit. Goddammit, goddammit, goddammit. I wake up with a pounding headache to the sound of my phone ringing on the pillow next to my head. I open my eyes and try to focus them on the screen. My mother is calling me. My fingers struggle to hit the green button, and when they do, the room starts twirling like ingredients inside a blender. “Mom?” My voice sounds scratchy in my ears.
“Hey, honey, how are you? We were going to watch the Awards last night, and then I don’t think the cable worked. Is MTV cable, sweetheart? Your father…” I close my eyes again.
“Mom, I’ll get you a tape, I promise. But I have to call you back.”
I run to the bathroom and throw up. And then throw up again.
As I lie on the cold tile, I think about last night. Winning Best Kiss. Fighting with Rainer on the dance floor. Jordan taking me home.
Rainer.
I get up and wash my face. I still feel like the house is spinning, but I force myself to focus. I don’t let myself think about Jordan, about what it felt like to hold each other here. I can’t believe I almost betrayed Rainer like that. In the light of morning I know how right Jordan was. We need to be apart.
I dial Rainer and put the phone to my ear. It rings once and then goes straight to voice mail. Is he screening me? I know he was pissed that I wouldn’t leave with him, but I also know Rainer; he’s not one to hold on to things like that. I just have to get to him. When we’re face-to-face, I’ll say I’m sorry, he’ll forgive me, and it will all be okay. I’ll apologize for being a drunken mess last night. And an asshole.
