I nudge him; he kisses my cheek.
Once we’re in our seats—dead center, front row—Rainer’s light dims considerably. I’ve seen it happen before. He’s so high-wattage on carpets—all laughs and smiles—that he burns out once it’s over. He immediately orders a Jack and Diet. The waiter asks if they can bring me anything. I’m about to shake my head when I say champagne. I expect them to turn me down. I mean, they know I’m not twenty-one (there have been endless tabloid stories about the age gap between Rainer and me), but they bring it to me immediately.
My head is feeling fuzzy by the time the show starts. Between the champagne in the limo and here, I feel light, disoriented. Considerably less nervous, though. And that’s when Jordan slides into the seat next to me. His shoulder brushes mine. “Sorry I’m late,” he whispers.
He’s so close, I can smell him—a warm mix of sea and land. Salt water and dirt and cinnamon, too. That’s new. Probably Alexis’s influence. I imagine her gifting him with expensive cologne. I feel myself flush and will the image out of my head. Alexis is my friend. Jordan is my friend.Stop, Paige.
“Sorry Alexis is sick,” I whisper.
Jordan doesn’t respond.
Rainer takes my hand.
I feel them both next to me. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having Jordan on one side and Rainer on the other. I feel like my heart wants to rip in half just so they’ll both have a piece. I know the camera will catch Rainer and me touching.Raige-ingly in Love.
Jeremy Brown is cohosting—he’s the guy from the mockumentary show about the crazy Midwestern family—and he comes onto the Jumbotron. He’s in front of what’s obviously a green screen that is projecting a beach. All palm trees and sand. They’re going to do a spoof ofLocked. They didn’t show us this in rehearsals; they probably ran through it after we all took off.
Terror grips me right along with Rainer’s hand. The camera is going to be on us the whole time. “If you get nervous, just smile,” Tawny said. “No one ever ruined their rep by being happy.” She eyed me when she said it. I know she has been annoyed about the pissed-off vibe I’m sporting in the tabloids.
I try it. I feel like a chipmunk.
For the opening, Penelope and Ryan, the stars of a Disney show about witches, are wandering around a stage. Penelope is in a coconut bra.
“I’m just so torn,” she says. “Who should I be with? The crazy guy who wants me to live with him on a deserted island with no HBO, or the one who just brought a private jet to rescue me? There is no clear winner.”
“We’re right here; you can just talk to us,” Ryan says. He’s dressed like Rainer’s Noah, down to the linen pants. “Stop doing voice-over.”
“Seriously, guys, I don’t have time for love triangles right now. We have to go. I’m supposed to be hosting the MTV Movie Awards in, like, ten minutes,” Jeremy says.
Penelope looks at her watch. “Actually, you’re supposed to be hosting them now.”
Jeremy and Penelope exchange panicked looks, but Ryan just crosses his arms. “Chill, you’re on island time, dude.”
Jeremy looks at Penelope, cocks his thumb. “What do you see in this guy?”
Penelope looks at the audience before lifting up Ryan’s shirt. She points to his perfect twelve-pack.
“Fair enough,” Jeremy says.
“Where is this jet?” Penelope asks. “Is it here?”
Jeremy puts his hands on Penelope’s hips. “Yeah, it’s here. Can we stop talking and get the heck on it?”
Ryan steps between them. “She loves me—she’s staying. This is just your ploy to get her to leave with you.”
“It’s totally working,” Penelope says, dreamily.
Ryan looks at the audience and then looks at Penelope. “Screw it, I’m coming with you.”
“Great, fine. Whoever’s coming, it’s now or never.” A bunch of people dressed in tribal gear rush toward the helicopter.
“To the MTV Movie Awards!” Jeremy calls.
The screen goes black, and everyone starts applauding. Then the three of them appear onstage.
Jeremy waves to the audience. “Welcome to the MTV Movie Awards!” he bellows. Penelope is smiling next to him. She looks delighted—totally excited and happy to be up there. Ryan looks mildly bored.
“We’ll be your hosts for the night, and we promise to have some fun. But first, we have to mortify people.” Jeremy looks right down at us. “So many of our favorites are here tonight. Rainer Devon is sitting front row!”
