“I’m not okay.” The words scrape out. “Look at me. I’m.” I can’t finish. Don’t have words for whatever the fuck I am now.
“You’realive,” Ethan says simply. “That’s what matters to them. Not what you look like under those bandages. Please, let me wake them up.”
I want to argue. Want to insist. Want to maintain some shred of control over this nightmare.
But he’s right. I know he’s right.
Still.
“Just. Give me a minute,” I tell him drowsily. With luck, I’ll be fast asleep before I have to deal with this. “Let me. Fuck. I don’t know. Prepare or something.”
“Take your time,” Ethan says. “But Marco? They’ve been through hell too. They need to see you. Even if you don’t want them to see you like this.Especiallybecause you don’t want them to.” He pauses. “How’s the pain?”
“Manageable.” Lie. But what’s he going to do about it?
“You have the best surgeon in New York,” Ethan tells me. “Dr. Reeves is the real deal. If anyone can put you back together it’s him.”
Put me back together. Like I’m a broken plate that can be glued and made whole again.
Except plates don’t feel pain. Don’t lie awake wondering if their kid saw them get turned into hamburger by a fucking grizzly.
Speaking of which, I need to know...
“Ben.” I force the word out. “When I was down... after the bear... I have no memory. Did Ben... did she see?”
Ethan’s expression doesn’t change. But something flickers in his eyes. “No.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.” He leans forward. “The ranger told us everything. Jess put herself between you and Ben. Wouldn’t let her look. Not once. Kept her face pressed into her jacket the whole time.”
The relief hits harder than the morphine. Makes my chest tight.
She protected my kid. Took the hit to her own nerves instead of letting Ben see her father’s face ripped open like a fucking side of beef.
“She saved your life out there, you know,” Ethan continues. “She used the bear spray. Got the fucker off you. Stayed calm when most people would have run.”
Oh God.
Jess.
I owe her everything.
The guilt follows right behind the relief. Because I’m the one who dragged them out there. I’m the one who insisted on the hunting trip.
Control masquerading as care.
Gideon’s words again. From back when I thought I had my shit together.
Turns out I don’t know a goddamn thing.
“I remember shooting it.” My voice comes out flat. Dead. “In the head. Point blank. And it just. Kept. Coming.”
“Grizzly skulls are thick.” Ethan’s tone is matter of fact. Clinical. “Deflection happens. You did what you could.”
What I could. Right. What I could was get my face eaten and nearly get the woman I care for more than anything in this world killed trying to save my stupid ass.
“The irony.” I laugh. It comes out wrong. Bitter and sharp. “I spent my whole career preparing food. Turns outIbecame the food instead.”
