It’s beautiful.
It’s all beautiful.
“Did you do this?” I ask as Thea joins me.
“No. Was like this when I got here. Xander, don’t walk away from me. We have to talk about this. Is it a cry for help? A midlife crisis? Are you bored and in need of excitement? There are better ways to let off steam than blowing up your whole life, and I can’t believe I’m even having to say this, but?—”
“Thea, stop!” Turning to face her, our eyes lock as my heart picks up pace. “Just stop! Not once have you stopped to ask me anything normal. You’re more concerned for my career than I am.”
“That’s part of the problem!”
“No, it’s not! I don’t exist to be a machine, okay? I don’t need to justify or explain anything to you because how I get through life and how I survive is my own business. You have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be trapped in a hole so dark that you can’t even breathe, when waking up every morning feels like torture, and you do it because the weight of expectation is too much to bear. You have no idea what it feels like to exist in everyone else's world, drifting along waiting for the peaceful day when you justdon’t have to do it anymore!” My voice grows louder and louder as my heart beats faster.
“And you have no idea what it feels like to suddenly find a light in that darkness, to come up for air and actually want to stay!”
Thea stares at me, her brow twisted and her mouth flat. “Xander… people go to therapy for that. Not fuck some young thing in their workplace and implode their life.”
“Fuck you.”
Her brows shoot up, as surprised to hear that as I am that it slipped out. “Xander.”
“No… no. I have to go.”
“Xander—”
“Lock the door on your way out.” I rush past her, snatch up my keys, and ignore her calls while rushing out of the apartment.
Her voice follows me down the stairs but I don’t stop.
I need to get to Snow.
Her old apartment is the only place I can think to look for her, and as I pull to a stop in front of her building, the light warming the edges of her closed curtain brings me hope.
Locking my car, I hurry up the path and knock as firmly on the door as I dare.
The last thing I want to do is scare her, but I need to talk to her. So much pressure is building up inside me that I’m about to burst while Thea’s accusation circles my mind like poison.
If there’s any part of Snow that thinks she’s just afucklike Thea does, then I need to tell her the truth.
After a few long minutes of bouncing on the balls of my feet waiting, the lock finally slips aside and the door cracks open.
Snow’s tear-stained face comes into view and when she locks eyes with me, she winces.
“Please, go away,” she says quietly. “I’m too embarrassed?—”
“Five years ago, I lost the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with and my life got dark. Really dark. I closed myself off from everything because it was the only way to cope, and that became my new normal. I got up, I went to work, I came home, fed the cats, and that was it. Sometimes, I would read. Sometimes, I would help my neighbor, but I stopped living. I just existed in this mold that everyone else saw and I told myself I didn’t care.”
Snow watches me with wide eyes as every word rushes past my lips, desperate to get it all out before she closes the door in my face.
“I thought I was happy existing. I thought I was happy not feeling anything because life was simple and easy. People appreciate me because I work the holidays, people think I’m flexible because I take the shifts they don’t want and work longer than I should. People think I’m a great guy, focused on my career with big aspirations, and to a point, I am. But being okay with existence is a lie and I didn’t know how deeply I believed that until you, Snow. Until you would smile at me in the corridor and make small talk in the elevator. You were like the first sun coming up after a freezing night and I still didn’t listen until you brought me dinner. You started to thaw me and I didn’t fullyrealize, but I just… I just came home and my apartment has Christmas decorations up. My cats are happy. There was warmth in my home that hasn’t been there in years, and it was like you’d suddenly thawed out a place frozen in time and I realized you thawed me out too. I’m not sleepwalking anymore. I’m… I’m awake and I feel alive, and the want and need I have to be with you and in your presence are almost unbearable because how do I tell you that I crave you more than I crave air without sounding overbearing?”
I step forward and Snow’s head tilts, her eyes flooding with tears as she watches me, unblinking.
“How do I tell you that for the first time in my life, it feels like life is worth living again? That the thought of losing you cuts me up inside, that the fear of upsetting you drives me to be the best I can be? And I know we’re breaking rules. I know my career could go up in smoke and I know we could both lose our jobs, and if that scares you and you want me to stop, then I will, because I care about you, Snow. I care so deeply that I will do whatever you want me to. But I like you, Snow. I like you so much that living is fun again, and I don’t care about the other stuff because I don’t want to drift anymore. My sister walking in on you must have been terrifying, and I’m so sorry. But I’m here, Snow. I’m here because I don’t want to lose you unless it’s your choice. I want this. I want you.”
My mouth grows dry from the flood of frantic words pouring from me and my heart pounds so hard, my hands tremble.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is I like you a lot, Snow. And if you could dare to be in this with me, fully, despite everything, then I am here for it. I’m here for you.”
