Such thoughts lead my fingers between my thighs but after thirty seconds of stroking through my folds, it’s not the same.
It’s notenough.
Xander is who I need.
Once out of the shower, I catch my own eye in the fogged mirror while dragging the luxuriously soft towel over my skin.
For a brief second, my eyes linger on my abdomen.Still the same, I tell myself.
Nothing has changed.
Ignore it.
Before my mind can wander back down the path of the truth I’m purposely ignoring in favor of this blissful fling with Xander, I take to exploring his apartment.
I’ve spent a lot of time here and yet only in the bedroom and the kitchen. From the bathroom, I wander past the spare room Xander designated as mine and reach Xander’s own room.
It’s as quiet as he is.
The room’s filled with black and white furniture, a perfectly made bed, and dark curtains on the window.
Other than a dark horror book on his bedside table with a leather bookmark, there are barely any signs that someone actually sleeps in here.
I wander inside and breathe deeply, closing my eyes.
The comforting scent of Xander fills my lungs and spreads soothingly to every corner inside me until I wrap my arms around myself in a hug.
I miss him.
It’s only been a couple of hours.
Curiosity leads me to check his neatly packed and folded clothes in his drawers, his equally neat suits hung in his closet, and his shoes all lined up in a row.
Just as I’m about to close the door, something catches my eye.
Up on the top shelf is a cardboard box that’s soft around the corners with age and slightly dusty to the touch.
Mementos?
Is this too nosy?
The box is in my hands before I finish the thought. I’ll take one peek and then put it back.
The top folds open in a soft flurry of dust and cardboard, but rather than Xander’s innermost secrets, the box is filled to the brim with Christmas decorations.
Tinsel, slightly weathered with age, covers the top but just underneath, baubles and other decorations glint at me.
It takes me an hour to unpack the box with the cats’ help, check all the decorations for anything unsafe or broken, and decorate Xander’s apartment.
With no tree, I quickly visit Auriela for tape since I can’t find any in Xander’s place, then I’m back in his living room winding tinsel around his table legs, attaching it to his windowsills and door frames.
I pin streamers to the ceiling as close to the corner as I can to mask the hole, pin Santa’s stockings to the wall just above the TV, and spend twenty minutes sorting and taping an entire collage of snowflakes to one wall after ensuring the tape won’t strip the wallpaper upon removal.
Then I hook up the lights.
He has multiple sets, both multicolored and bright white, so I settle for the white ones in the kitchen around the cabinets, then set the colored ones up in the living room around the doorframe.
“Beautiful,” I say to the cats, hands on my hips while admiring my work.
