“And you’re kind and so hot and so warm and you wereinterestedin me and it made me feel like I had worth again. So don’t you dare stand there and say that what we did, whatyoudid was a bad thing, you hear me? It’s the only good thing I have. It’s the only—” Sobs cut me off and my hands rise to my face as I bury my tears in my palms. “M–My life is crumbling and you’re the only nice thing I have left!”
The air around me warms as I sob. When I finally lift my head, Xander stands an inch away from me, gazing down.
“Snow.”
“Don’t,” I gasp. “Don’t tell me that you regret it. Or that we should stop or that it doesn’t mean anything, because I can’t take it. I can’t, not now! I like you too much for that, but I acted for myself. Just me. All I was thinking about was getting my money back, as if that would make everything better, but it wasn’t because of you, okay? It wasn’t.”
Suddenly, Xander’s arms engulf me and the urge to be alone melts away.
I sink into his hold and clutch at his T-shirt with my fist, gripping on as I weep against his shoulder.
There’s no stopping me.
My grief about Caleb claws out of me, my despair at the theft, my pain at my parents’ being indifferent to my absence and the creeping loneliness that my life is in shambles.
It all pours out of me and into Xander’s chest.
He holds me, unwavering, through all of it until I’m left with nothing but dry hiccups and raw eyes.
“Drink this.” Xander slides a fresh mug of tea in front of me.
I give him a weak smile. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“Why?” He leans on the counter next to me and watches me.
“I basically just told you that getting fingered by you is the highlight of my pathetic, crumbling life.”
“I have good fingers,” Xander says softly. “But… I am sorry. It was thoughtless of me to accuse you of being so reckless, or to place myself as the reason when you’re already going through so much. I need you to understand, though, that what happened to Caleb was not your fault. He made those choices, not you. Hestole from you and if he had a debt to pay, then I am sure he already planned to take that money for that night.” Xander sucks in a slow breath as if he’s working within himself to stay calm. “I was… scaredforyou, Snow. You mean a lot to me, and that’s also alarming because…”
“Because we work together?” I sniffle and drink my tea.
“Partly. From everything you’ve said… am I wrong to suggest that I’m not the only one who feels this way?”
“That this is more than just sex?” I’m almost too scared to look him in the eye. “Are you about to tell me you think we should stop?”
“Not at all. When I was driving to you, all I could think about was that I couldn’t define you well enough to explain why I was feeling all those things. It’s a discredit to call it just sex when you’re going through all of this. But to put a label on things feels like too much pressure. I want to be here for you, Snow. I want to help in any way you’ll let me.”
I finally gain the courage to look him in the eye.
He’s gazing at me with softness I don’t feel worthy of.
Everything I touch crumbles.
Everyone I care for leaves.
How can I put that same weight on Xander, knowing that he, too, will eventually leave?
“For how long?” I ask quietly.
“For as long as you’ll have me.”
“So if I say yes… you won’t be mad at me anymore?”
“I’m not angry at you, Snow. I never was. Frustration is different. But… there are more factors to consider before you commit to a decision.”
“Like?” My heart starts to race. How can he act like he wants me in one breath and then prepare to present however many reasons against it in the other?
“Any relationship between us breaks the rules. Sex between colleagues is risky enough, but anything more? It risks both our careers. There’s a terrible power imbalance between our positions and I’m older than you by more than a margin.”
